Life has been so full of life I can barely catch my breath these days. Luckily I found two amazing posts at space2live that beautifully express some thoughts and feelings I have also been having recently.
The 1st post is so beautiful, poetic really, but so insightful. I’m still struggling with the balance of give and take in my marriage. I know hubby struggles too. We’ve been a much better team lately, but I still feel more often than not that I can’t safely tell him my thoughts. Not without an initial misunderstanding, temper flare, or guilt attack. I forget that I have been swimming and marinating in my thoughts, but when they are spoken, it is new to him. I struggle with the preface and preparation required to just be understood. I know he tries, and I also know he gets tired of trying. It is exhausting for both of us, and so some days we don’t try. On those days, we ride it out, knowing we’ll come back to each other, trusting in the marriage even when we don’t feel it. I don’t have the energy to go into many examples here. Mainly wanted to document that communication and understanding takes constant effort, and sometimes I choose to focus my efforts elsewhere. I hope that’s ok in the long run, as long as we both know we’re not giving up forever.
I do have some things I want to say to Hubby, that seem to keep getting swept under the rug. So maybe he’ll read it here. I think he is amazing, and I wish he would stop reacting to every little face or comment I may have as if the world depended on it, or as if I have found some fault in him. The car driving too slowly in front of you is not your fault, but I may express frustration about it and hope you will get around it and we won’t be late. The kids’ irrational meltdown is not your fault and I don’t think you did anything wrong, even when I roll my eyes and wish to be teleported elsewhere. I can’t remember details very well, and when you ask me for them, and I make a face, I am not thinking you are a dupe for forgetting, I am also trying to remember. I have a huge fear of forgetting something important and losing super woman status. I have come a long way this year though, and have accepted that I am human, and no longer hold you up to the standard of perfection that you think I do. Everything little thing gonna be alright – I really believe this now, at my core, when I am calm and alone and not frazzled. I also think you are the most dedicated, loving husband a woman could ask for. Thank you for standing by my side and holding my hand while I figure out who the hell I am. Those are what I want to say to you, but you worked so hard today again that you are sleeping. Sweet dreams Hubby, I love you.
The 2nd post really hits home for me right now. I am discovering myself. Allowing my dreams to unfold as I become ME. I have discovered I do not enjoy many family-type events. I have found that I can barely stand some other family-type events. I have realized many events were triggering PTSD flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and trips in to guilt/shame and depression. And the events that I do enjoy at the moment, may cause me to need down time to recover later. For survival I have been reducing and/or eliminating the offenders while also carving out more delicious solitude for myself. I fully own my introversion now and fuel my spirit with peace. I’m exploring my abilities and passions and truly feeling joy like I have never felt it before. But I’d be lying if I said it was guilt free. I feel so obligated to be a super mom that I often second guess my priorities and wonder if I am being selfish, but then in the same thought I wonder if we all shouldn’t be selfish from time to time? Maybe I should just own it. Yes this is for me. I’m going to selfishly plan something just for me – because I am worth it.