This is a "thought bubble". It is an...

I wish I could let hubby in to my thoughts sometimes (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

 

Life has been so full of life I can barely catch my breath these days. Luckily I found two amazing posts at space2live that beautifully express some thoughts and feelings I have also been having recently.

 

http://space2live.net/2013/08/02/i-belong-deeply-to-myself-but-ill-let-you-in-introverts-and-intimacy/

http://space2live.net/2013/07/26/is-it-selfish-to-choose-passion-and-work-over-family-2/

 

The 1st post is so beautiful, poetic really, but so insightful. I’m still struggling with the balance of give and take in my marriage. I know hubby struggles too. We’ve been a much better team lately, but I still feel more often than not that I can’t safely tell him my thoughts. Not without an initial misunderstanding, temper flare, or guilt attack. I forget that I have been swimming and marinating in my thoughts, but when they are spoken, it is new to him. I struggle with the preface and preparation required to just be understood. I know he tries, and I also know he gets tired of trying. It is exhausting for both of us, and so some days we don’t try. On those days, we ride it out, knowing we’ll come back to each other, trusting in the marriage even when we don’t feel it. I don’t have the energy to go into many examples here. Mainly wanted to document that communication and understanding takes constant effort, and sometimes I choose to focus my efforts elsewhere. I hope that’s ok in the long run, as long as we both know we’re not giving up forever.

I do have some things I want to say to Hubby, that seem to keep getting swept under the rug. So maybe he’ll read it here. I think he is amazing, and I wish he would stop reacting to every little face or comment I may have as if the world depended on it, or as if I have found some fault in him. The car driving too slowly in front of you is not your fault, but I may express frustration about it and hope you will get around it and we won’t be late. The kids’ irrational meltdown is not your fault and I don’t think you did anything wrong, even when I roll my eyes and wish to be teleported elsewhere. I can’t remember details very well, and when you ask me for them, and I make a face, I am not thinking you are a dupe for forgetting, I am also trying to remember. I have a huge fear of forgetting something important and losing super woman status. I have come a long way this year though, and have accepted that I am human, and no longer hold you up to the standard of perfection that you think I do. Everything little thing gonna be alright – I really believe this now, at my core, when I am calm and alone and not frazzled. I also think you are the most dedicated, loving husband a woman could ask for. Thank you for standing by my side and holding my hand while I figure out who the hell I am. Those are what I want to say to you, but you worked so hard today again that you are sleeping. Sweet dreams Hubby, I love you.

The 2nd post really hits home for me right now. I am discovering myself. Allowing my dreams to unfold as I become ME. I have discovered I do not enjoy many family-type events. I have found that I can barely stand some other family-type events. I have realized many events were triggering PTSD flashbacks, anxiety attacks, and trips in to guilt/shame and depression. And the events that I do enjoy at the moment, may cause me to need down time to recover later. For survival I have been reducing and/or eliminating the offenders while also carving out more delicious solitude for myself. I fully own my introversion now and fuel my spirit with peace. I’m exploring my abilities and passions and truly feeling joy like I have never felt it before. But I’d be lying if I said it was guilt free. I feel so obligated to be a super mom that I often second guess my priorities and wonder if I am being selfish, but then in the same thought I wonder if we all shouldn’t be selfish from time to time? Maybe I should just own it. Yes this is for me. I’m going to selfishly plan something just for me – because I am worth it.

 

 

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13 thoughts on “

  1. It’s important to carve a little time for yourself every day. If your bucket is empty, it’s difficult to fill anyone else’s. As to DH, maybe find out what he considers a loving gesture, something only the two of you know about, something you can share with him the moment he walks in the door, a wink, a touch, the sign language “I love you” sign, as long as it means something to him… Just a thought.

    • Oh – we have plenty of loving gestures, and actually do better with nonverbal communication. It’s when we open our mouths that we get in trouble sometimes. Thanks for the reminder about filling my bucket.

  2. I have been in your place. Keep communicating. Really listen to your husband if he is the type to share. Sometimes a gap forms between two people as one of them experiences keen self-awareness. He may eventually close the gap with his own awakening. You may even trigger that. He may never want to explore beyond his current status. You will have to decide if that is enough for you. I suggest getting away out of your normal routines somehow. See each other as man/woman again, not just dad/mom, husband/wife, extrovert/introvert.
    Please don’t feel guilty for blossoming. It is what you are meant to do. You will change those around you because of it. You will gather people into your life who will change you. I know mommy guilt well. Be the best mom you can be but fill yourself up so that some of the joy can spill onto your family. You will help your children become more aware of who they are.
    Sending you peace and strength.

    • Wow – this is so insightful. I’d say it describes where we were about a year or so ago. My awakening and growth caused us to separate for a while, and forced him to grow to get back together. We realized had not been communicating for nearly 10 years, though we live together. Your advice is spot on, to see him as a man first.

      Thank you for the encouraging words. I do feel like I am finally doing what I am meant to do, or on the way to that anyway, but it is so new and different that it is difficult for me to own it yet.

  3. Yea this sounds very familiar. I am learning that I do not need to feel guilty about self care. Nurturing myself is important to thriving. I also am learning my husbands trigger buttons. I preface statements with “I am not angry with you but I feel frustrated about ….” I like my one counselor’s suggestion to invite my husband to a conversation. It is kind of fun and feels a bit like dating and helps me get over that glitch of needing to fill information for greater understanding. I think you sound so positive in the post. I agree with how family events do trigger PTSD. I choose carefully what I plan to do.

    • I have learned some of hubby’s trigger buttons too, but sometimes there seems to be too many and I just feel so confused. Like I’m not talking about anything serious, just commenting on my world and my thoughts, and he seems to feel attacked and gets defensive and reacts in a way that seems like I have hurt him somehow. Otherwise, we do schedule dates and times to just be together, and the talking is easy and natural then. I’m not sure the difference, but I am sure I’ll figure it out.

      I know I need self-care. I really do. I encourage others to do so. But still hesitate to do the right thing for myself at times, wanting to be who I think others want me to be. I am trying to choose carefully as well, but I am afraid it does not appear careful to others. I think hubby understands though. Kids don’t fully understand, but they don’t seem to mind when I stay home.

  4. I think you just are doing so well, to find even these liberating thoughts. I struggle in my marriage, like all of us do I suspect. Sometimes, when I feel like our communication bridges are collapsing and I don’t have the right words, I write him letters even though we are in the same house. Sometimes it helps to at least get the conversation started.

    • Thanks for that. Yes I do write him letters sometimes, but my guy is not a reader, so I do try to limit that for him. There is only so much he can take in at once. But if I ever feel the gap is too wide, I send him an email. It’s been a tough year for us, and I have sent too many hurtful letters to him, so I think he is also a bit wary when he gets one. Need to send more lighthearted ones perhaps.

  5. Please get rid of that selfish word. Use the words self-care and self-compassion instead. It took me almost a year of my therapist talking about and showing me what self-compassion looks like before I got rid of the guilt of taking lots of time for me even though I KNEW it was what I needed to stay healthy. Guilt destroys. Like you said, it takes so much time to regenerate after being with people. I find not just the difficult people but lots of people. I just can’t handle all the stimulation, the cacophony of conversation, other people’s emotions and energy. My aura takes it all in even when I remember and try to put a shield up. “St. Michael, defend me in battle…” a good Catholic prayer.

    And yes, you ARE worth it!! By taking time for you, you can be more present to those you love and all the other responsibilities that take time away from you.

    God puts opposites together to sharpen each other. A couple needs more similarities than opposites but once you learn each others love language, it gets a bit easier. I like the post above that says she writes letters. I sometimes do that. I also agree with the poster that talked about a loving word or gesture. My therapist also reminded me that we should come up with a word or sign to tell the other partner that now is not the time to talk about something. My dear hubby likes to talk things out right away and doesn’t always notice my non-verbals of it’s not a good time. He’s so intent on his point that he fails to see sometimes how much it hurts. But we keep trying and doing our best. Practice. Not perfection. We continue to practice as we live our best life. Best in the moment. Each moment is a different “best”.

    • Sounds like you really understand. I so appreciate your comment here. Yes I know what I need to be healthy, but struggle with it still. Some is my own self thinking I don’t deserve peace. And some is the backlash I feel from others who don’t understand and think I must be better since I’m doing amazing things and appear to have it all together now. They don’t understand the drain to my body and spirit from things that will energize them. Just like you said, I absorb everything, and although I am getting better at filtering and shielding, it is exhausting to me, not enjoyable.

      And for hubby, he seems to be misunderstanding me, or I am not communicating well – I’m not sure which it is. He pays huge amounts of attention to my nonverbals and my words now, so afraid to miss a cue I think. So I think sometimes he reads a look of pain from my bad back/leg and thinks he has done something wrong. I can’t control every face and thing I say and wish he didn’t think I find him at fault. I don’t.

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