I am happy. My mind is happy. I thrive on novelty, new thoughts, learning, and creativity. I have all of these right now. In fact I have so many ways to keep my mind happy right now that I have to decide which one to do in any given moment.
- Work has given me the lead on some very interesting projects and allowed me to delegate all of the tedious portions. Hooray!
- I have enrolled and started 3 online courses. Yes 3. One for computer programming, one for writing memoirs and self-publishing, one that actually applies to my current job.
- I have won another art commission, with a deadline to complete the project in early Aug.
- We’re going on a little family vacation soon, lots of planning for that.
- I still have all my kids here with me. All day. Every day. Well except when the lovely neighbors, that I am ever so fond of, invite them over to play.
I’ve been getting up early every day for the longest stretch I’ve ever managed before. Without an alarm. I wake up, no fog, no hate, no inner scolding. I just wake up, get up, and start doing something.
This is so unusual for me, and is why I am noting something that otherwise seems unremarkable.
The interesting part though, is that although I am more productive than ever overall, I keep finding myself stuck in a manic, obsessive, not compulsive, mind loop. I will check the same email 3-5 times before I realize it. Or I’ll switch computer tabs in the same sequence 3-5 times without doing anything at any one of those apps. Or I will write an email response in my mind 3-5 times before I actually type it. I can stop – and do stop – so it is not a compulsion. But it has interfered greatly with completing my work tasks in the last few hours. Mindfulness has allowed me to stop each loop, but I seem to jump from loop to loop, simply switching which task I repeat.
I almost wonder if I have found a new way to distract myself from hurling negative thoughts at myself obsessively. Like I need to be repeating something, and if I won’t permit that negative tape to loop any more, I had to find something else.
So then I thought, OK, I am really irritating myself now that I am mindfully aware of this – and it is time to break this loop. But how? Blogging of course. Always the quickest mind fix.
Another day I will look into why repetitive behaviors may be soothing, or why they start up like that. Until then, it just gets filed under the ‘my brain is fun’ category.