Ever Feel Like Your Native Language is Foreign

 

Usually I completed take my freely flowing words for granted. I assume the words will come out and make sense and make points without me forcing them. But lately I’ve been forcing them. I’ve been struggling to find the right words, pausing between sentences to find the right path, the right connections.

The words are kind of like those floaters in your eyes, you can’t see them if you look right at them. So as soon as I know what to say, see that entire thought, it floats out of my conscio

Montage of languages. Prototype header for the...

I don’t understand myself (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

us so quickly, leaving me with a feeling like I saw it, I can feel it, but can’t see it. A ghost of thoughts and words once there.

I don’t know how I’m feeling emotionally these days. It’s like I’m only feeling things physically.  Unless dizzy is an emotion, because that’s how I feel. Like my feelings won’t sit still long enough for me to actually feel them, and I’m left with a dizzy confusion. This dizziness blocks my words.

I stumbled my way through dozens of emails for work, through many reports and spreadsheets, but I have no words left of my own. I’m tired and drained from writing and reading, and re-reading my words full of so many errors and typos and usage errors, and even rhyming words in place of what I meant. My internal editor must be on vacation.

Or perhaps I lost my babel fish. Don’t panic, I still have my towel.

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4 thoughts on “Ever Feel Like Your Native Language is Foreign

  1. I can identify with this! I lose fluency when I’m depressed. I can’t even dig for the right words. I stumble over myself, feel stupid, and stumble some more. Vicious cycle. And I’m a language teacher!

  2. Yes, I understand that this is part of the cycle of learning and processing and settling and taking the next step. Valentine’s right about the deep breaths. They help. So does being patient with myself, though it’s a bit difficult. Maybe you miss writing the poetry every day… just a thought that popped into my head.

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