The vicious cycle of self loathing and eating every bit of junk food I can stuff in my mouth has been paused.
I know the two actions come together and work together, feeding each other like pond scum feeds on excess – but I don’t think it begins with a causal relationship. Not directly for me anyhow.
I’ll try to explain these thoughts, and how I can be confused by them. I am coming off a depressive episode. Actually, no, I made it through again. Past tense. Days ago, weeks ago? See this is where is gets blurry. My memory is impaired each time I enter the fog and emerge again blinking in the sunshine that life truly is. So frustrating.
When I feel poorly, I absolutely crave junk, and nothing else. If left on my own, I will eat ice cream for breakfast, chips for lunch, cookies for snacks, and candy for dessert. Days of ZERO nutrition. It’s disgusting really, and completely sad. I want to stop hurting myself this way. I want to care enough about my body to stop harming myself with food. I want to watch over my limits as well as I do for my children. I’d never let them consume so much junk. And mostly I do watch over myself better now. But for some reason, when I go to that dark place (or does the dark place come to me?) I lose control of limits of every kind. I watch too much TV-obsessively watch season after season of something on Netflix. I lay around too much. I drink too much alcohol. I eat too much junk. I want too much sex. (Hubby has limits – I found them 🙂 )A fairly typical view of depression, as glorified in movies, usually after a big romantic break-up. All that is the same – except the big break-up. I have no idea what happens to get me down. I have no idea how to completely prevent it. I usually know when it is coming, and I for sure know when it is here. But I can’t get out, for days.
So when I do get out, then I start thinking. Hmm, I wonder if I would get out sooner if I could somehow keep my healthy limits in tact, and not also have sugar coma/hangover to strangle my hurting brain cells?
Today I was in house cleaning mode, restoring order to the chaos that ensues each time I visit that dark place. And today I craved my favorite greek yogurt/banana/pumpkin seed granola combo. No desire for junk at all. I feel full so quickly on these energized days, uncomfortably full actually, when just a few days earlier I felt bottomless and never satisfied with any amount.
So then I wonder, do I actually eat the junk food to comfort myself – or to punish myself? Do I stuff myself like a pig because I feel myself to be a pig on those days and must act accordingly as proof? Must I ensure I never lose the last ten pounds, so I have proof every time I look in the mirror? I don’t think so, because could that be true if I can wonder consciously about it – but throwing that out as a possibility. I actually think the fluctuating chemical imbalance in my brain causes the darkness, causes the self-loathing, disables the full sensation and also triggers panic hunger mode.
Now, I have actually fought this off before. Back when I was (I say likely, nearly anorexic because I was undiagnosed at the time) anorexic in high school. I remember fighting those cravings and winning, and feeling high off the win. I also remember feeling light headed and weak from not eating and pushing myself to perform anyway. I don’t want to feel like that again, another danger zone. I’m actually afraid to control my hunger too much and fall back into not eating. But oh how I loved being thin and feeling so in control. I loved when people would say, my poor dear, you’re too thin, don’t you ever eat? I would think quietly and proudly to myself, no, no I don’t eat, isn’t is wonderful?
My wish is that I could get my head out of my stomach, and just eat food because it is food. Simply get hungry, eat food, and therefore get not hungry. No other thoughts. No control, self loathing, punishments, over thinking, over eating or vomiting. But how? Notice I said wish, because I don’t even see that as a goal right now. Ugh. So many issues, and only so many hours in a day. Maybe I have enough progress in some areas to tackle this one again in therapy? And would it then actually make me more stable mentally to have constant good nutrition? Another possibility, but seems so out of reach.
- Junk Food = Junk Mood (simplypurelyhealthy.wordpress.com)