I’m Not Enough Today

I’m teetering on an internal edge of destruction. Stress is nearly pushing me over that edge.

Anxiety is so high I can taste it. Fear is hanging over me, trying to swallow me up.

Thinking is painful, slow, and muddled.

 

I nearly called off work today. But I can say that many days, the ‘nearly’ part. Something has gotten me this far. Some reserve of strength has me in meetings and answering emails even though I want to hold my own hand, curl up in the fetal position and rock myself to sleep.

 

I am hurting. I don’t like myself today. And I’m trying to stop my inner bully. The conflict is exhausting and consuming.

 

I have some ideas where this is all coming from, but I can’t write those words today. Not until this passes. I’m afraid if I look too closely today I will decide I am not enough, and fall off that edge. I’m afraid, because I know what waits in that darkness down below, and it looks hungry.

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12 thoughts on “I’m Not Enough Today

  1. The email from your dad might have triggered you xxx. My brother wrote me a month ago. I sat in my office and panicked until I threw up. We are too much alike to not have an inherent understanding…I wonder if it wasn’t that contact that tore you down. xx

    • I have considered this. I don’t like thinking he has any power over me, but I think it was one of many stressors to put me in a bad place for sure. My coping skills are new and only go so far. Thanks for checking on me today, seeing all your comments and likes felt like many hugs. xx

  2. You are stronger than you know. You’ve made it through much worse than this, when you didn’t know you were loved and valued. Sometimes, it’s simply a matter of taking one more step, no matter how tiny. And sometimes, you pull that loving cloak around you and ride out the storm.

    • Yes. Trouble is, today I’m wavering on knowing I’m loved and valued. My head is trying to prove to me that I’m not really loved and I don’t how to shut it up this time. I’ve been having to step up and do so many difficult tasks lately that I think I’m just plain worn out, so I don’t have the strength to squash each negative thought. That in itself is a full time job. Hubby has been my loving cloak tonight, and I even have to squash the guilt for leaning on him. Bad bad day.

      • Reminds me of this quote: ‎”I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.” ~ Jennifer Yane

        I’m so sorry you’re feeling so worn down. It really is a struggle when several things happen all at once, especially when you’ve been so strong. Be gentle with yourself.

  3. Take a deep breath and think of your favorite song or piece of music. Let that music run through your head, hear it, see it and let your body relax. It may not always work but it helps me more often than not. You can make it… they won’t win…your too strong.

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