After some thought, I have decided to post another comment from my anonymous visitor here, instead of responding on the other post. A few reasons for that decision, 1st is I didn’t want it on my poem, as I did not want to interfere with how readers interact with that poem. 2nd is that I think the ideas in here are worth exploring, even though I don’t appreciate the overall tone in this message, I think it is meant to get my attention.
So here it is – my full attention.
“Look Blossom, one may speak with all their heart to you and you are still likely to take words the other way around or twist them in your mind, just because you ‘decided’ to cultivate fear towards all strangers and fear towards communication with others. In your own words you are manipulative therefore confused, because you expect the same from others.”
Do I twist words around in my mind? Yes. I have many automatic negative reactions and cognitive distortions. Although I have come so far as to be able to recognize them, I can not yet completely prevent them.
Do I have a fear of strangers? Yes. Do I decide to cultivate this fear? I don’t think so, but would love to hear why you think I do. I may be doing something that I am not aware of. I know I tend to look up someone’s blog, and get a bit of history before I reply. I am unable to do this with the Anon here and maybe that does make me afraid to answer, not knowing who they are, what the background story is, why he/she is interested in me.
I don’t know that I have said in my own words that I am manipulative, but I have often admitted to being confused. And yes I do expect others to be manipulative, or have a side agenda. I am ready to recognize abuse and stop it. Always alert to the possibility. I don’t know how to turn off my “this person could hurt you” alarm, or if I even should.
Your life, your choices though. I’m not here to exchange ‘my stories’ for ‘your stories’ because you expect them served on a silver plate, truth be told ‘your stories’ are available for free on this blog and ‘my story’ you would have to learn making an effort by speaking with me – which is something you’d rather avoid. Your communication with others on this blog starts and ends with ‘I love your blog’ – ‘I love you love my blog’ sort of exchage, or ‘my experience is’ – ‘so is mine’, that’s it, there’s no deeper discussion. Of course you are free to master one-sided confessions and rely on instincts you’ve developed.
This is my life, and I have made some terrible choices in the past. Although some of my choices I now rationalize as I was merely surviving, not choosing. It was only recently that I fully understood I have choices, that my life is my own, and that I was no longer a victim of anything except my own self.
I guess I did expect this person’s story to be handed over to me, as other bloggers do, and I never thought about how that made me feel safe here, knowing how to respond to someone based on their perspective. And maybe this is where I might be manipulative(?), in a way, as I do choose my words to be most helpful, and never harmful. I would never be so bold as to do what this commenter has done to me, to throw out my version of the truth and attempt to wake someone up, or have them truly look inwards. And I guess I need to start answering as me – no matter what, and not customize or tailor my responses based on the person. Maybe. A little. Some of this makes sense, but I wonder how much of this still fits my need for acceptance and perfection? Ugh. I’m not sure about all of this yet.
At first I thought I needed to protect my readers from this portion of the comment, because I tend to agree. I thought it was just blogger etiquette, that most people simply say ‘thank you’ or ‘I like this’ or ‘good job’. Very few actually come back to challenge me, but some do. Some that have been willing to share their stories with me. I noticed I often don’t post comments of disagreement, and I never thought much about that until today. I also don’t follow blogs I would tend to disagree with. I steer clear of politics and religion and really enjoy the personal stories where the blogger comes to life for me, and allows me to feel connected as a reader. My blogging friends were my first step at reaching outwards. I could not have accepted much disagreement or conflict when I first started blogging, I can only guess that would have sent me right back into hiding.
But now? what is the purpose of this blog? I’ve been wondering this lately, just like when I wonder the purpose of going to therapy. Is it still helpful?
People come and go, but you stay sourrounded solely by people, like you, abused in the past. Abuse is what you put trust in, this is what you know. In my opininion your whole blog is dedicated to your dad and his protection. At 36 you protect your abuser within yourself, he is well and alive. So ‘bow down before the one you serve, you’re going to get what you deserve’. Beautiful monument you build, so true.
This one, this part, this paragraph really makes me think. OK, yes, many of my readers have abuse in their past, the common link that connects us, so we feel understood. I started this blog hoping to find a support group, to learn more about myself, and meet others with similar pasts to share the journey. I have been more successful in this than I ever could have hoped.
I also started this blog to simply tell my story – the story I don’t share at conferences, meetings, parties, etc. Many in my real life do know my story. I think everyone who needs to know does know, and many more know as well. This blog was not about coming out or confessing. Nothing like that. It was a place to put my memories together in a way that makes sense. To document my progress, and see what path to take next. To get un-stuck. I have also been more successful here than I ever could have hoped.
To say my blog is about my dad and his protection? This one I just don’t see. I’d like more explanation here. I’m not afraid to look at this. I can’t even start to figure this one out and welcome any comments here. Do any of you think that this blog protects my abuser? I guess I can sort of see the monument part, as he is central to so many of my posts. The Anti-hero is still the hero? I don’t know. I don’t know how else to tell my story other than to just tell it as I recall, and as I recall, my dad was central to my universe and controlled everything in our home. My oldest brother even says he thought of our dad as more of a god than a father at times. That was how we were raised. I surely hope my blog has not been glorifying these events. Interesting to think about.
Am I doing in this blog exactly what I said the media shouldn’t do with traumatic events? I say no, because no one is looking to my blog for information. I’m not trying to sway anyone’s opinion or create policy or drive legislation. I’m just trying to find my place in the human race, and feel so grateful to finally belong, and allow myself to belong.
Is my abuser still alive within me? Yes. I have admitted to this in many posts. I don’t know how to kill the root completely. I have stifled it. I have trampled it. I have severed it. And yet a part remains. Now this commenter seems to think this is my choice, and I really do want to know why. I don’t know the next step to take to completely be free. But see, that hasn’t stopped me from moving forward and looking for the next step. I do not consciously choose to bow down to the abuser within me. So if anyone has answers for this, it will help a great deal of people struggling with similar burdens.
There’s no use ‘con-vincing’ you. You feel what you feel, you think what/how you think. Good luck Blossom. Good luck.”
This last line was just a bit too dismissive for someone who seems to care about me. I don’t think you would have written all of this if you truly thought I was incapable of listening or examining my feelings. So we all know better. I am here to learn, and I am not afraid to face whatever I need to face to continue to grow.
So thank you again, my anonymous friend, for helping me look inwards. Maybe you will help me find my next step in the journey to be me.
>(There you go, freshly displayed in black and white. Even the gray areas.)<