The World is Scary Without Walls

Experiencing life and ME without my protective walls is scary. No, it is terrifying, and painful, and I want to retreat and go back to my safe fantasy world.

Being aware and mindful and experiencing every emotion as it comes, rather than carefully controlling them has not been a fun ride the past few weeks.

The shell of who I presented to the world is not just cracked – it is shattered. Getting real for the first time – ever – really sucks, to put it in simple terms.

I’ve lost my written voice for the moment, as I am in survival mode, and feel out of control. My emotions that I used to keep at a pleasant level for all, are too intense and have me cycling between tears, terror, and fury each day. Some of the emotions are coming from no where, no trigger, no event, just spewing up out of me because I am allowing them. But I am not allowing them, I have no choice. I am me, and those are my feelings – blah. I hate this. I don’t feel safe as me. I don’t even like me.

I have realized that it was easier to accept I may be a bad person, and may have deserved the childhood abuse. The problem was me. That was easier to accept than the reality that I was unloved and abused, and that I was a beautiful innocent child, deserving of love and protection and guidance.

I created a fantasy world where bad things did not happen. I was the perfect student, because no one looks too closely at the perfect student. I had to hide my reality from the world so I could hide it from me. I see the patterns  now in every action I ever took. Every choice I ever made, in school, in college, in boyfriends, in marriage, in becoming a mother – every choice was to fulfill the fantasy that I am OK and that bad things did not happen to me.

Well, bad things did happen to me. And I am not OK. But I will be, one day I will be OK, I just have to get through the terror of seeing my reality, accepting it wholly, so that I can accept myself wholly. I don’t know how long this will take, I have taken any deadlines off the table. I have no expectations any more. I have never been where I currently am. I am relinquishing the control, letting fantasy me slip away, and letting the hurt, terrified girl within me see the world as it is. I am allowing a few people that seem safe to help me on this journey. I don’t trust them, but I am taking a leap of faith and holding their hands anyway. I can’t do this alone, no one can. That is the biggest lesson I have learned in life.

I am unstable and unpredictable right now. I can lash out in anger one moment, and then feel afraid or tearful in the next. The force of the bottled up emotions seemed overwhelming at first, but it is already smoothing out – a bit. The return of panic attacks, nightmares and flashbacks was a shock. I feel like I have been trampled. But I think I need to let these things happen, and not force them into submission by sheer will, which is what I have done for so many years. I need to feel them, feel the terror, feel the outrage, and let it pass through me once and for all.

I thought I could control it. I thought I was OK if I had no outward PTSD symptoms. I had no idea it was all just waiting for me beneath the shell of perfection I so carefully crafted all these years.

So now I am real. Hello. My name is Roots To Blossom, (one day I’ll attach my real name to that statement) and I am an abuse survivor. My childhood was terrible, traumatic, painful, horrifying. But nobody knew. I never let anyone know, so that I also would not have to know. No one deserved what I went through. Not even I was bad enough to deserve the daily emotional, psychological, and sexual abuse delivered to me by my own dad. He was supposed to protect me. I was supposed to trust him. It wasn’t my fault.

It was NOT MY FAULT!!!

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8 thoughts on “The World is Scary Without Walls

  1. R2B, You are so brave. I’m so amazed at your strength (and it is clear you are being strong) you show as you work through this. Sending you big hugs.

  2. I feel for you so completely and just wish there was some easy way for you to get through the horrors that you have experienced. Your strength shines through your writing. You are a survivor in every sense of the word. Love and hugs xo

  3. It’s good to meet you rootstoblossom. You are right. It wasn’t your fault. You are good and lovable and amazing. Thanks for letting me walk along with you on the journey. You’re helping me on mine, and I hope to help you, too.

  4. I am glad you are letting go of the need and control to be perfect or SEEM perfect. I am even happier to read that you understand that NONE of what happened to you was your fault. It’s not easy to come to terms with not being loved by the people who should love us unconditionally. You’re stronger than you think. You will get through this and come out the person you were born to be. Many good people are waiting to meet you and love you. 🙂

  5. Hugs to you. You are right, it is not your fault. My sister and I often remind each other, “The truth will make you free, but first it will make you really miserable.” Slogging through the swamp land really does come out on another side. I compare PTSD to diabetes; it is always with me but it doesn’t need to control my life. Emotional flooding does slow down to more reasonable levels. You are amazing and your courage is out standing for reaching out. Take care.

  6. For this walk it is just day to day. No child deserves abuse. No child. Letting go is always so difficult, it is just one minute, one hour and then on day at a time. The walls we build to protect us, sometimes we have to take them down one brick at a time. Courage.

    • Yes my walls are down now. At first it was brick by brick, but the past few weeks it all came tumbling down. But each time I think I am completely free, I find another wall and start chipping away again. Thank you for your support and understanding and I happily accept your extra courage.

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