Alone but Not Lonely

Alone 2.

Alone  (Photo credit: ElenahNeshcuet)

Day 2 on my own, completely alone in this house except for my cats. Even my dog stayed at Grandma’s with Hubby and the kids.

The kids will be back tomorrow, and I will tuck them into their beds alone. Hubby is not staying. He will be going back to Grandma’s to give us a break. The words sound sad, but I am not.

I’ve been through every emotion ever created these 2 days alone, but I keep coming back to calm and relief. I am not lonely or scared. I am ready to be me, and see what being a single mom might be like. I know it is going to be hard. But it is going to be different from anything else we’ve ever tried.

Same is just not working for me. I try to love him, and think it is working, to have the world drop out from under me as I cycle back to distrust and feeling nothing for him.

Just a few months ago I was ready to divorce him. He begged for a second chance. During this second chance period, I told him I would give him a fresh start, and remove all past hurts from the equation and only move forward. It worked, for a while, until I realized that I was not whole when loving him. The part of me that feels responsible for making others happy, was able to make him happy. I was not emotionally or sometimes even mentally in our marriage bed, only my body was feeling anything.

I can’t do that anymore. I have moments when I am put back together, a whole person, rather than this fractured soul. I can not be whole in a marriage right now, and so I must ask him to leave. The pain of being ripped apart is just too much. I can’t love him that way.

He seems to finally understand, and is ready to give me what I need – freedom and peace.

Maybe I will heal, and maybe I won’t. But I won’t keep doing the things that tear me apart. I love myself too much now. More than him, which I’ve never been able to say before.

So far these 2 days I have cried, I have danced, I have trembled, I have binged, I have cleaned, I have worked, I have seen, I have felt. The best part is I did all of those things, felt all of things – as ME.

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8 thoughts on “Alone but Not Lonely

  1. I feel for your struggle because I know it isn’t easy to make this decision to have your hubby leave the house. But, I feel — more strongly than you know — that this is what you must do in order to make yourself whole. Don’t allow guilt and shame to surface. Time to yourself is a gift that you deserve. Given your past, I completely understand that you have felt fractured and not a whole person. It’s not that you don’t like your hubby or that he isn’t a good daddy — it is more about what YOU NEED. I get it and I say go for it. Spread your wings and allow yourself to fly free of emotional entanglements that cause a lot of past trauma to repeatedly resurface. It’s time to give yourself love above and beyond any other person.

    I always find your blog inspirational. You are following your heart and doing what is right for you — you are brave and courageous!

    Sending you strength and {{{hugs}}} – Daylily

    • You do seem to really understand. At first I felt selfish, doing this for a need of my own, but I don’t any more. It will be difficult, and I can only imagine the crying and fits from the kids. But I keep having this sense that I will emerge from this as the person I really am, and want to be, and will be able to hold my head high and look in the mirror. I’ll be a much better Mom that way, than feeling trapped and guilted and like an impostor or mere image of the wife I am supposed to be. Thank you so much for the kind words and support. I do feel brave right now, but surely appreciate any strength you can lend me for the road ahead. Tonight is not going to be easy, telling the kids.

      • Yes, I could see how telling the kids will be hard. My parents separated when I was young and it is one of the few memories I have. I won’t go into that but I will offer some simple advice. No matter what age children are, news such as this effects them on a personal level. Their first thought will not be “why doesn’t mommy love daddy?” It will be more like, “Will I still have a daddy?” and “Will daddy still love me?” “Can I love daddy even if mommy doesn’t want him to live with us?” Don’t pretend their lives won’t change, because they know they will but reassure them that the love between parents and children will never change.

        I know you are a intelligent woman and I have no doubt you will handle it well and do the right thing.

        Daylily

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