Day 2 on my own, completely alone in this house except for my cats. Even my dog stayed at Grandma’s with Hubby and the kids.
The kids will be back tomorrow, and I will tuck them into their beds alone. Hubby is not staying. He will be going back to Grandma’s to give us a break. The words sound sad, but I am not.
I’ve been through every emotion ever created these 2 days alone, but I keep coming back to calm and relief. I am not lonely or scared. I am ready to be me, and see what being a single mom might be like. I know it is going to be hard. But it is going to be different from anything else we’ve ever tried.
Same is just not working for me. I try to love him, and think it is working, to have the world drop out from under me as I cycle back to distrust and feeling nothing for him.
Just a few months ago I was ready to divorce him. He begged for a second chance. During this second chance period, I told him I would give him a fresh start, and remove all past hurts from the equation and only move forward. It worked, for a while, until I realized that I was not whole when loving him. The part of me that feels responsible for making others happy, was able to make him happy. I was not emotionally or sometimes even mentally in our marriage bed, only my body was feeling anything.
I can’t do that anymore. I have moments when I am put back together, a whole person, rather than this fractured soul. I can not be whole in a marriage right now, and so I must ask him to leave. The pain of being ripped apart is just too much. I can’t love him that way.
He seems to finally understand, and is ready to give me what I need – freedom and peace.
Maybe I will heal, and maybe I won’t. But I won’t keep doing the things that tear me apart. I love myself too much now. More than him, which I’ve never been able to say before.
So far these 2 days I have cried, I have danced, I have trembled, I have binged, I have cleaned, I have worked, I have seen, I have felt. The best part is I did all of those things, felt all of things – as ME.
- Is Love a Choice, a Duty, or a Gift? (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Lonely and Married (marriedcouplescafe.com)
- Lonely Sunset (liptwist.wordpress.com)