My whole life I have worked to be good. Worked so hard to perfect, awe-inspiring actually, not just good. And in many cases I have excelled at this. Many people use the word amazing to describe me or my talents. Today I am left wondering – why? To what end? And if I’m so good at being good, why doesn’t it feel good? Why do I still feel so empty and torn up inside?
After so many years of “working” on my marriage, I keep coming back to this idea that it shouldn’t be so much work to love someone. Now I do love Hubby, after all these years of course I do, but I can’t shake this feeling that it isn’t right. That something is missing. I think he loves me more wholly than I love him. I can feel his love for me now, I can see it in his daily actions, and yet I have trouble returning it. I feel grateful to him. I do feel loved now. But I still don’t feel like he is the one I’m supposed to share my life with, forever. I hate feeling this way!! If I could change it I would, but even though I make change after change in my own life, in my own brain, this feeling about him remains. I feel like life chose him for me. I don’t feel like I was ready for marriage 18 years ago, and I’m not sure I’m ready for it now.
Last spring I asked Hubby to leave. I was at my breaking point. At that point, we barely spoke to each other, and when we did it was harsh and usually ended with full blown anger and resentment. We barely had sex, and most often slept in different rooms, even different floors of the house. We did not support each other in anything. I raised the kids, he went to work each day. Separate worlds for so many years.
When I asked him to leave, everything changed. He asked for a fresh start. We worked hard to have dates, get to know each other again, went to counseling. We spiced up our bedroom with lingerie and new tricks. It was all very exciting. It was all very new. I thought things were going to work, that he would be able to bring me into his heart, and I would finally let him in mine. I am very sad to say that all that new and exciting stuff has dwindled down, and although we don’t fight much, and we’re much more respectful to each other, and working together with the kids and housework – I still don’t feel connected to him like I think I should. I’m so afraid that we rode on the waves of lust and excitement, and none of that was actually love and certainly can’t go on forever.
And so, I have to think. and think. and overthink. because what else do I do? Am I looking for something that does not exist? Is this love and I just don’t know it? Should I just shut up and be happy?
So here is where my choices come in. Do I stay in a situation that works out quite well, that is raising happy, healthy kids even though I feel disconnected? Should I keep trying to LOVE someone that I only love. Should I keep waiting, keep trying, keep being the good wife and just be grateful it is no longer terrible here. Should I accept the love of a man that does not seem to react when I tell him how I feel?
Whenever I try to be honest with hubby, he says I have to stop, because the truth hurts him. He doesn’t seem to care that I have to live with this truth inside of me.
- Need to be Understood, Part 2 (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- The Need to Be Understood (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)