Last night was terrible. Just putting it out there, it was absolutely terrible.
I was unable to work yesterday, answered a few emails to remain on the radar, but could not actually work. The numbers were all swirly. I was still stuck in the dark thoughts and feeling like I let Hubby down.
MIL came and took kids out to a Halloween party, and HUbby and I had a dinner alone. I did not enjoy it. I wasn’t hungry. The restaurant was noisy, and I was edgy hearing so many voices and snippets of other conversations. My eyes still burned from so much crying tha past few days. And when I looked in Hubby’s eyes, I felt tears waiting again. So we chatted a bit, but did not linger there.
Even just a week ago, I would have flirted with Hubby, like hmm, the kids are gone for a few hours, whatever will we do here all alone, wink, wink. So I said the words, but didn’t really feel anything physically in me. Still numb. So we watched TV, got kids in bed, watched more TV, and went to bed together. I could tell Hubby got my flirty messages and wanted me. I wanted him too, or my mind did, but my body was not responding. I was not scared, no flashbacks or memories, just no response. I tried to go along with it, but I just had to tell him I wasn’t feeling right. And then I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me. It was terrible. I told him I was sorry. I told him it wasn’t his fault. He said it was ok.
I used to feel like this all the time, and wouldn’t stop him. I’d go through the motions, but never really feel anything. I didn’t want to do that, couldn’t do that any more. And so we stopped, and I felt so terrible. Because he was finally showing his needs to me, and now he will be holding back again. I hate to take such a huge step backwards in our marriage and intimacy. I hat taking a huge step backwards in my recovery. How did I get here again? I know I can get back, I have not lost hope, nothing like that. Such sheer frustration that my stupid body can actually turn off. People talk about being turned on, or that’s such a turn off, but for me that means something else entirely.
So how long until I get my mojo back? How much will my marriage suffer while we wait? Why did it leave in the first place? All unanswered questions.
- Loving someone who was abused as a child must be so hard (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Going to Bed Early is Easier when Not Alone (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Overcoming (lifewithcassie.wordpress.com)