Crying All Night, but Not Alone

Last night was terrible. Just putting it out there, it was absolutely terrible.

I was unable to work yesterday, answered a few emails to remain on the radar, but could not actually work. The numbers were all swirly. I was still stuck in the dark thoughts and feeling like I let Hubby down.

MIL came and took kids out to a Halloween party, and HUbby and I had a dinner alone. I did not enjoy it. I wasn’t hungry. The restaurant was noisy, and I was edgy hearing so many voices and snippets of other conversations. My eyes still burned from so much crying tha past few days. And when I looked in Hubby’s eyes, I felt tears waiting again. So we chatted a bit, but did not linger there.

Even just a week ago, I would have flirted with Hubby, like hmm, the kids are gone for a few hours, whatever will we do here all alone, wink, wink. So I said the words, but didn’t really feel anything physically in me. Still numb. So we watched TV, got kids in bed, watched more TV, and went to bed together. I could tell Hubby got my flirty messages and wanted me. I wanted him too, or my mind did, but my body was not responding. I was not scared, no flashbacks or memories, just no response. I tried to go along with it, but I just had to tell him I wasn’t feeling right. And then I sobbed uncontrollably while he held me. It was terrible. I told him I was sorry. I told him it wasn’t his fault. He said it was ok.

I used to feel like this all the time, and wouldn’t stop him. I’d go through the motions, but never really feel anything. I didn’t want to do that, couldn’t do that any more. And so we stopped, and I felt so terrible. Because he was finally showing his needs to me, and now he will be holding back again. I hate to take such a huge step backwards in our marriage and intimacy. I hat taking a huge step backwards in my recovery. How did I get here again? I know I can get back, I have not lost hope, nothing like that. Such sheer frustration that my stupid body can actually turn off. People talk about being turned on, or that’s such a turn off, but for me that means something else entirely.

So how long until I get my mojo back? How much will my marriage suffer while we wait? Why did it leave in the first place? All unanswered questions.

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9 thoughts on “Crying All Night, but Not Alone

  1. My sister and I have often talked about the frustration of finding ourselves back at square one, and yet it’s comforting because we know what to do there. Maybe it’s simply a reaction to all the newness. A part of you needs the comfort of familiarity, even when that familiarity isn’t nice. It’s still familiar. You know what to expect there. I don’t think you’ll stay there long, only until you’re back in a place where you feel like you know what to do next. You’ll make more strides, and slip back into what’s familiar. You are making a lot of changes that are fantastic, but your body can’t tell the difference between good and bad stress. It only knows stress, so maybe it’s simply reacting the way it’s used to reacting.

  2. First of all, you are not back at square one. you are experiencing the two steps forward/one step backwards and it just feels like you are back to the beginning. It’s your mind making it seem real. The maladaptive thought process. Believe your husband when he says it’s ok. it really is. all couples have this happen at one time or another. just cuz it happened now again after so much time is ok. rejoice in the fact that there were no flashbacks, no real avoidance…you were real. you were truthful. your husband is not going to think less of you for not being able to perform. your body is not stupid. it just needs time. don’t go back to the comfortable it’s what you know place. you are becoming a new a better version of yourself. it takes time for the emotions to catch up. thought restructuring is very hard work…lots of practice, but you can’t go back to those negative thoughts for a long time or the new thought path will get run over by weeds again because that old path is so worn and feels so right. it’s not right. don’t believe your mind telling you how terrible you and everything is. don’t push it away…let it come but don’t get attached to it. “it is what it is while it is” and it’s ok. really.

    • You really sound like you’ve been there and I truly appreciate you reaching out to me here. I understand slipping back a bit, I really do. But this was not 1 step back, it was a scary mudslide. I really thought I’d never go numb again, and the frustration at that was enormous. I’d like to think this was normal, and not a result of my abuse, but it felt way too familiar. But it is ok, and I need to find a way to accept it and wait it out without hating myself or my body. still learning, never giving up.

      • “never go numb again”
        That’s where we get into trouble…the always and nevers about ourselves.

        Except in the sentiments such as Always have hope or Never give up, those words just don’t belong in our vocabulary. Even in those sentiments we can get tripped up because there are times we perceive as hopeless or we want to give up trying.

        Thank you for your blog. I love reading it. I have to say that I’ve learned more about myself and life reading blogs and writing my own than in the previous 5 years of therapy!

  3. You know, I’ve too often asked ‘how long until I get my mojo back?’ but I realise now it’s just like tides in the ocean. Comes, goes, unbearably visits, goes.

    Try and hang in there – and thank God you have a husband!! I have brought my son up singlehandedly (my blog is about that depression in the beginning, what we went through), with depressions & all. I am truly glad for you, for anyone, to have a hubby to help.

    Your mojo WILL come back. Take a hot bath while you wait, I reckon – or even sauna & spa. I regularly sauna & spa & it does me awesomely well.

    N’n.

    • I am thankful for my husband, more than I can express. Thank you for the supportive comment. I’m learning how to ride out those storms, and yes, a nice hot bath can be a nice place to do that

  4. You can do this—you ARE doing it and it hurts, but it gets better! Your husband sounds wonderful, rest in that. It is all a process, but you have the courage and strength to do it, because you are, one step at a time, even when the steps are backwards. I have faith in you!

  5. Pingback: Crying backwards | Jonlineinfo

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