“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” Leo F. Buscaglia
I’ve been reading a bit over at http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/ and really struggling lately. She links to this purpose fairy article and I found this quote and just started crying.
I have forgiven everyone in my life for the harm they caused me. I am unable to forgive myself the harm I have caused myself and my family. I am unable to forgive the trauma I caused my husband when I attempted suicide. I am unable to forgive the years of financial troubles I caused with my illness, from doctors, psychiatrists, meds – and from losing my job. I have not forgiven myself for causing our young family to have to file bankruptcy, to give up our vehicles, to nearly lose our first home. I have never had a full time job since then. I do work, I do contribute, but to me it is not enough.
Yesterday was a terrible day, stuck in confusion and darkness. I tried to explain this and reach out to Hubby, and all he heard was criticism, and he said “Stop – I’ve reached my limit” and was quite angry. I don’t know how to explain any better, that in my darkness, everything is dark and negative and painful. He has never felt like this, so he does not get it.
I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible burden to him. He tried reaching out to me, but I was then unable to receive it. I tense up at his touch and hear a voice in my head saying, “Please don’t touch me”. Hubby is so tired and confused. I know he loves me, but it feels like a love for an abandoned and blinded puppy right now. I can’t accept that he loves me, all of me. He wants me to be OK, but I am not. So I have to either tell him I am not, or plaster on my usual smile.
I need a break. from work, from being a mom, from being a wife. When I feel like this I desire to be alone, to find myself again. But my life does not allow me to take a break, and so I get lost for a while. I feel like a scared child again trying to make grown up decisions. Having a family depend on me has been my drive to get healthy and strong, as well as my prison. I am trapped by their endless demands, they depend on me for so much. I forced myself to shower and get dressed and run in the sunshine yesterday for a moment of freedom. It did not feel joyous though, not at all. It felt like another chore, like I was walking myself, like I was my own dog. So strange to try to explain. Like I’m my own mother too, and the mom in me is annoyed with the bratty child in me. Is this disassociating? Is there more than one me in me? I don’t think so, but maybe on some level this is true, as I pushed down that scared little girl to survive. I’ve always known I can be a chameleon, blending into any group as needed, playing any role to fit in, disappear, not stand out, not be weird. I can adapt and learn the rules quickly to either avoid attention, or be the leader. I have a different me I present to each group. So, maybe this is the source of conflict when I am asked to be a Mom and a performer at the same time? They are not the same me? And so I short circuit and spiral into darkness, confusion, and chaos.
I feel alone and completely out of control right now. Not really scared, sad, but not really hurting. Mostly Numb. Stupid Walls.
- Forgive Yourself (eyesofpoetry.wordpress.com)