Forgive Yourself

Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz

Forgiveness Mandala by Wayne Stratz (Photo credit: Nutmeg Designs)

“Love yourself—accept yourself—forgive yourself—and be good to yourself, because without you the rest of us are without a source of many wonderful things.” Leo F. Buscaglia

http://www.purposefairy.com/5685/6-things-you-should-forgive-yourself-for/

I’ve been reading a bit over at http://weareone-ruth.blogspot.com/ and really struggling lately. She links to this purpose fairy article and I found this quote and just started crying.

I have forgiven everyone in my life for the harm they caused me. I am unable to forgive myself the harm I have caused myself and my family. I am unable to forgive the trauma I caused my husband when I attempted suicide. I am unable to forgive the years of financial troubles I caused with my illness, from doctors, psychiatrists, meds – and from losing my job. I have not forgiven myself for causing our young family to have to file bankruptcy, to give up our vehicles, to nearly lose our first home. I have never had a full time job since then. I do work, I do contribute, but to me it is not enough.

Yesterday was a terrible day, stuck in confusion and darkness. I tried to explain this and reach out to Hubby, and all he heard was criticism, and he said “Stop – I’ve reached my limit” and was quite angry. I don’t know how to explain any better, that in my darkness, everything is dark and negative and painful. He has never felt like this, so he does not get it.

I feel like a terrible wife, a terrible burden to him. He tried reaching out to me, but I was then unable to receive it. I tense up at his touch and hear a voice in my head saying, “Please don’t touch me”. Hubby is so tired and confused. I know he loves me, but it feels like a love for an abandoned and blinded puppy right now. I can’t accept that he loves me, all of me. He wants me to be OK, but I am not. So I have to either tell him I am not, or plaster on my usual smile.

I need a break. from work, from being a mom, from being a wife. When I feel like this I desire to be alone, to find myself again. But my life does not allow me to take a break, and so I get lost for a while. I feel like a scared child again trying to make grown up decisions. Having a family depend on me has been my drive to get healthy and strong, as well as my prison. I am trapped by their endless demands, they depend on me for so much. I forced myself to shower and get dressed and run in the sunshine yesterday for a moment of freedom. It did not feel joyous though, not at all. It felt like another chore, like I was walking myself, like I was my own dog. So strange to try to explain. Like I’m my own mother too, and the mom in me is annoyed with the bratty child in me. Is this disassociating? Is there more than one me in me? I don’t think so, but maybe on some level this is true, as I pushed down that scared little girl to survive. I’ve always known I can be a chameleon, blending into any group as needed, playing any role to fit in, disappear, not stand out, not be weird. I can adapt and learn the rules quickly to either avoid attention, or be the leader. I have a different me I present to each group. So, maybe this is the source of conflict when I am asked to be a Mom and a performer at the same time? They are not the same me? And so I short circuit and spiral into darkness, confusion, and chaos.

I feel alone and completely out of control right now. Not really scared, sad, but not really hurting. Mostly Numb. Stupid Walls.

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Forgive Yourself

  1. Oh Friend…I’m with you on every word you wrote here. I’m about in the same place only my hubby isn’t interested in talking about the things that get me down..ever. (Which, by the way, I also see as my own fault). I have a terrible time forgiving myself too. Maybe today, just try to forgive yourself for feeling crappy…let yourself have this one. You’ve been trying so, so hard to keep things in balance. Sometimes we need to give ourselves the rest our hearts and minds (and bodies!) cry out for.

    Right with you today. (hugs) – Grainne x

  2. I know how hard it is to forgive the self, even WANT to forgive the self, but your self needs that unconditional love. Even this amazing awareness that you have about forgiveness is unconditional love. The trouble is that we were never given a book on how to love and forgive the self, when we were born. The education starts in adulthood. Guilt still creeps up on me, but I just try and cry it out. Crying is good. Read all of the content on cyquest.com because it really helped me. While I was reading it, I was nodding along and realising that I am a super sensitive being for a reason.

  3. (((rootstoblossom))) You are not alone, no matter how alone you feel. I could have written a lot of this. I don’t have the family, husband and children, but the needing to blend in and the sense of confusion when my different worlds cross paths. A part of me doesn’t want anyone to understand because I don’t want anyone else to feel this way. I wish we could go to lunch and talk. I am blessed with my sister and a couple friends I can talk to face to face or on the phone. It doesn’t change anything, but I don’t feel so isolated. Keep fighting for you! I’m so grateful you’re here and one of my friends.

    • I’m so grateful to you as well Judy, and for using that friend word. I’ve gotten closer to my brother, but he is thick in the middle of a chaotic family too, so I would never think of calling him to just talk. Maybe some day. BTW, I bought your book today for my kindle! Hoping for a peaceful day to curl up and read it soon 🙂

  4. This sounds so familiar. I have also experienced some of what you so eloquently describe. As a previous poster said…cry…if you can. sometimes in the numbness it’s impossible. But you know as well as I that with a mood disorder comes the frightful experience of the moods as we swing from one to the next. It’s ok. It’s ok to be numb. Don’t fight it off. Your brain needs to just be and not think (yah, seems impossible but it IS doable). You won’t fall apart. Your family will still be there when you come back to the surface. Your hubby will understand to the best of his ability. You will forgive yourself. You are in the black hole where everything takes on a dark hue. You will find the light again. Promise. Lots of hugs and prayers.

    • Thank you so much Shelly. I did have a good cry, in response to all the supportive comments here – pushed away the numbness. But thank you for saying it is ok to be numb. I try so hard to be OK, that I do forget it is OK to not be OK sometimes. I think I need Hubby to know that too. But I think he panics when he sees me not OK, wondering how far I may drift, and if he will lose me. I can’t imagine being in his shoes actually, worrying he may be suicidal. Ugh. See, still caught up, just for a bit here.

      • My dear hubby would react in a similar manner. We both would wonder when the next shoe would drop and if I’d need to go back to the ER. We learned that the episodes pass. He’s learning to be supportive and not run away from the strong emotion. He always thought that if he left me alone it would get better. He’s quicker to give me a hug. I’ve learned to tell him when my brain isn’t thinking quite right; is negative or I’m very emotional. If he knows, then it’s better. I used to try to hide. As time has passed, we both know that ‘this too shall pass’ and it does. I try not to get hooked into the emotion and think it’s gonna be forever. I remind myself over and over that life will be brighter. I’m able to walk around the hole most of the time. I would like to get to the point of taking another street!!

  5. Pingback: It’s OK to Not Always Be OK | Roots to Blossom

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s