I am annoying the crap out of myself right now. I am making work so difficult, for no reason, other than I think – to annoy myself.
Do I enjoy tormenting myself, and watching myself scramble to make things right? Do I enjoy the feeling of making it all work out, or just squeaking by? Perhaps.
I have an extremely tedious project that I have no desire to do at all. So I have not started it yet. I did enough of getting it set up that my boss thinks I am steadily working on it. I have this option because I work from home and only turn in time sheets twice a month. Now, I do have a minimum number of hours I must work each week, and I an extremely honest and would never cheat. I do bend the rules a bit though. Like I borrow hours worked from this week to fill out missing hours from last week, but I note that on the time sheet, so not really cheating. Problem is, I have been playing this game several weeks now and it is extremely annoying to have today’s work count for last week. My boss even knows I do this, (knows I bill for hours worked on different days to make accounting easier – does not know I beat myself up about starting boring work) doesn’t care as long it all works out, so it’s not like some sick thrill of sticking it to the boss. I need one long day of work to get back on track and stop playing catch-up. But I won’t do it. And here I am blogging about it instead of doing that project. ANYTHING to avoid it right now.
I’ve also been avoiding simple jobs, like piling trash on the counter as I cook instead of taking 3 steps to the trash can. Or letting dishes pile up instead of unloading the dishwasher. I changed the sheets, but left the dirty ones in a heap on the floor. You can see signs of my distractibility and procrastination every where, which just adds to my overall annoyance with myself. Like I have a slob of a roommate, but it is me. I stomp around then later cleaning up the messes I left for myself, annoyed and amused at the same time, like Really? Really I walked away and left these egg shells next to the stove?
So why do I keep doing this stuff? Or more accurately, why do I keep not doing this stuff? Why do I choose to some things and not others. Why did I spend so many days cleaning out closets, playing computer games, watching reruns of Big Bang Theory, even washing out cupboards and wiping down walls – instead of working on my project or running a dishwasher? Because it isn’t due yet. Because I have the choice to do things that are slightly more interesting. If my boss told me it was due today, I’d have it done. If someone was coming over, those dishes would be done. But my inner teenager just can NOT start something early. I will have it done on time, and will reap all this praise, which I will both enjoy, but also roll my eyes at because the task was easy and undeserving of praise.
And so I could pour on the excuses, like I took the kids to a fall festival because they won’t always be little, like 2 kids are home from school with croup and need extra attention, like I had to do the closets because the winter clothes did not fit and we already need our gloves in the morning, like I needed that extra nap because Seasonal Affective Disorder has me tired despite vitamin D and light therapy, like I have had major breakthroughs in my family boundaries and in therapy and needed extra sleep. Yeah, I could list those excuses. But life is always there and could always provide those excuses. But I always find time for things that are fun, or interesting to me. I’m all for instant gratification. Now – yes NOW!!
It comes down to discipline for me I think. I just don’t like doing boring things, and will find any excuse to delay them. And I can’t make myself do things that have soft deadlines. Never work ahead. Always playing catch up. Very simple. And extremely annoying. I just want to grow up already and start being proactive. Is it possible to change this big of a habit? Not so sure.
I linked an article below, which is useless, sorry. Unless I get an electric shock every time I procrastinate, I don’t believe I can change this behavior. The cheese at the end of the procrastination maze is just too yummy.
The poem is nice, and has nothing to do with this topic, which is why it is nice. Because I’m bored with myself.
- Three Ways to Stop Procrastination (business.time.com)
- the careless freedom of words (lucy-mills.com)