All these questions buzzing around my brain, that’s why so many posts are titled with questions these days.
After some amazing discussion with some fellow (fellowette?) bloggers, I think I may have stumbled onto some answers for my cyclic behaviors of procrastination.
I think life is too boring for me. Too simple. Too repetitive. Too mindless. I love challenges and puzzles and STRESS! I think I am addicted to that feeling of jumping into a huge project and doing it well – just in time. Never in my childish dreams did I ever think that MOST of my daily tasks would be cleaning and organizing and mind-numbing. Never. I am still trying to reconcile this fact, that I have endless years of mundane chores ahead of me. So I think I level up the challenge a bit, by letting a task go until it is a mountain, and then I can feel proud for tackling it.
The more I type, the more I think this is true. I feel so small and unimportant when I load the dishwasher after every meal. But when I save the kids from the towering pile of dishes, well, then I actually did something – no matter if I created the towering pile. Yup. I think I’m really that messed up.
The reward of a continuously tidy house is not enough to keep doing the boring stuff, so I have to make it less boring.
Same theory applies to my work projects. Nothing at work is challenging to me. Nothing. It is just work, and just a paycheck. I never have any “I wonder how to do that” moments. I know exactly what to do, and how to do it, and how long it will take. So I think I revert to high school mode, and wait until the last possible minute to crank out something that is to me, mediocre, and yet will get rave reviews from everyone else. That’s how I survived the dreadful boring tasks in high school, and I think I never shook that habit. I graduated HS early to get out of it, and was crushed that college was easy and boring too. So I took on 2 jobs, volunteered as a candy-striper at the hospital on top of my full courseload. I am both blessed and cursed with the ability to learn quickly. I need stress and challenge to make it exciting or seem worth doing. I lack the discipline to “Just do it”. But I also would never get a bad grade, never have, my entire school career has nothing less than an A on it, straight though graduate work. Stuff that seems obvious to me, others will say I am brilliant. I don’t feel brilliant, I just feel like me.
I wonder if this is a syndrome common to smarty-pants’s like me. When I walk into a room, I am usually the smartest one in there. Just a fact. I have learned to stay quiet, not share my intelligent thoughts, and play nice with my peers, even though I am typically bored out of my mind behind my smile.
So, while I do not fear failure, because I trust in my intelligence and creativity to do any task well – I do fear that I will battle my own bad attitude about doing only the tasks I WANT to do. Tasks that seem worthy of me or that I can clearly see the reward – like a bigger paycheck. I keep hoping this will improve, that it is immaturity, but I’m not exactly young any more. I have a deadly combination of a big-head combined with low internal value. I don’t know what has to happen to change this part of me.
- How to Overcome Boredom (lifehack.org)
- B-O-R-I-N-G…zzzz (myorbit365.wordpress.com)
- YOU ROCK: Chores by Elsie Marley (jchandmade.typepad.com)