Multiple Thoughts Today, Beware of Rambling

First, I’m pulling up out of a few day fatigue again. I did NOT sugar binge this time. I did get less sleep than usual, but it seems I need to double up the sleep I lost . . .

Second, still thinking of how I choose my words to my children. Why? A few thoughts here. I think part of me wants to believe that my Mom Unintentionally sent me on all those guilt trips. That it wasn’t what she said, but I perceived them. I still want to blame myself for how I felt as a child – alone, shameful, guilty, unloved, either invisible or in the way. So I keep coming back to this idea that I could say the same things to my kids now, and they would not internalize guilt. But something else is different, from how I talk to my kids and how my mom talked to me, and I don’t know exactly what yet.

Third, I’m wondering if procrastination can be a form of self-harm, and not just avoidance. I asked for a full workload, and got many projects with looming deadlines. And yet I spend my time sleeping, reading, or gaming. The dishes have piled up precariously, and the trash now has 2 bags on the floor filling up because the can is full. I an make a zillion excuses for my busy week and running around with the kids, but those 10 minute jobs I put off until they become huge monstrous jobs, I wonder if I punish myself that way. Or am I childishly trying to see what I can get away with? Will my boss accept yet another excuse and extend another deadline? Am I waiting for someone else to jump in and save me? I don’t know. Another part of the self-harm aspect would be that I scold myself while I do the soothing action, and tell myself “I should be doing —-” So it is a way of proving to myself that I am ineffective and a loser wasting my time.

Fourth, Will I ever just accept myself and stop being my own obstacle?

 

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14 thoughts on “Multiple Thoughts Today, Beware of Rambling

  1. Self-sabatoge is a biggy for me. I do it a lot. If I fail, then I simply prove what I’ve been told along. I know what to expect. If I succeed, then what? My writing was the biggest. I wasn’t afraid of being rejected. I expected it. I was terrified, and still am, of succeeding. I don’t know what it looks like on me. I don’t know what it feels like. I do know I’ve had some small successes in my life, and it was awful when I fell down again. It was easier, read less painful, to just stay down there. Silly me, I kept working on the writing. I still worry more about succeeding than failing. I know what to do when I fail. I pick myself up again. I don’t know what to do when I succeed. The day my book was released, I announced it on my blogs and shared a quiet breakfast with a friend and a quiet dinner with another friend. That’s it. No party. No huge celebration. It was my first book, and I was fighting to maintain calm, to wrap myself in mental body armor for when someone told me “Yeah, well, it won’t do well. It’ll never be a New York Best Seller.” Truthfully, I don’t want it to be a New York Best Seller. Somehow saying it to myself is less hurtful than hearing it from someone else. I beat them to the punch. It also self-preservation. If I had celebrated, the NM would have somehow made it her success instead of mine. You’re not alone. As to the “I should…” Last counselor gave me some great advice, “Don’t let anyone should on you, not even you.” You are learning to change how you think and how you do things, frequently going against painful lessons. You will figure it out.

    • Another interesting thing to think about. I am definitely not afraid of success. My perfectionism and overachievementism makes me expect success, and to be better than most others in comparison. I entered some writing contests before, and was shocked I was not chosen. This recent Supervisor snafoo was the first job I ever applied for and did not get. Maybe I’m just spoiled, but I’m used to winning. And these projects I am putting off, I know I will get them done, and then I will get all kinds of praise for it, which I don’t think I deserve because I delayed and did not put my best effort into it. I rarely put my best effort into anything, I lack the discipline I think, more than I fear the outcome. Still thinking about it. But I appreciate your point of view very much.

      • Reading your response I thought, “I remember doing that, delaying and not doing my best. When did it change?” What I don’t usually tell anyone: When I submitted my book the first time, I was positive the publisher would snap it up. They didn’t. I was crushed. Now, I thank God every day. I rewrote it and found a publisher who is far better suited to my style. I earned ‘A’s in school because anything less would be punished. It didn’t matter than I worked harder for the one C than I did for all the As. What changed? I want to say my sense of self change, but that’s so vague as to be useless. Somewhere along the way I stopped thinking about the end product and and focused on the process. I think sometimes it isn’t about doing or not doing the work, it’s about not being perfect. I used to schedule my day minute to minute, and of course I failed. Now, I’m learning to plan down time. I finished the last round of edits and spent a day reading. And the last bit of truth: It hurts to see you beating yourself up when you’re doing so well. *hugs*

  2. One thought on the guilt trips: Like you, I live in fear of my son feeling the same sorts of rejection and abandonment I felt as a child, however, I have to keep reminding myself that those fears are mine, not his. Your children will likely not feel guilt the way you did because you have not created an atmosphere of guilt in their lives, like your mother did to you.

    The self sabotage is an issue of mine as well. I’m currently ignoring a project that is due in less than a week just…because. Sometimes I wonder if I need the stress/guilt to feel balanced. In any event, I really hear you here. On both counts.

    • I think you have something there. Like I can’t function without a baseline of stress/guilt. So I create that for myself. I want to believe my kids feel loved, above all. I wish there was some way to know. I’m so used to good grades, and I feel lost on how I’m doing as a mother. I think I have failed some days, but it seems like kids bounce back as long as I don’t fail everyday.

      • They’re pretty amazing little creatures aren’t they? You feed them love and they give you room to fall. I’m pretty sure that’s how love is supposed to go. xx

  3. Procrastination, as Judy notes, is definitely a firm of self-sabatage. I am guilty of it but that was before I got to the bottom of why I procrastinated. Like Judy, I also feared success. Why? Because I was told over and over and over again by my abuser that I was sick and had a mental health problem. And I actually believed it and doubted myself for far too long. But suddenly, I woke up and realized that I am worthy and valuable and I don’t care if I fail because I’m going to succeed, dammit!! So, get rid of the doubts and bust through that house and clean it up and get your work done. You know how good it feels when it’s done, right? So do it! Just do it! Like Nike says. 🙂

    • Yes, I scream that “Just do it!” to myself all the time. But still get stuck in either slow motion, or no motion at all at times. Not sure how or why I get stuck, but even thinking stops. I’m certainly not afraid of doing the dishes wrong, so there must be something else that makes me allow myself to skip a simple task for many days, only to have to deal with a huge mess later. I never get out of it, only delay it. So I think it has to do with discipline and reward? Or does it become less boring, when I have a huge mess to take care of? Still thinking, will figure me out some day.

  4. sounds like the time to head back to the therapist. we can’t be our own. we get caught in our own circular thoughts. we add more things to the loop and the circle becomes bigger. we analyze and then analyze our analyzing. I’ve found that talking things through with a good therapist helps relieve some of the burden. Good luck.

    • LOL, this one made me laugh, because it is so true. Yes, I have been analyzing my analyzing – AHH, where does it end? Yes, it is about time to see my therapist and sort some things out. Thanks Shelly!

  5. My thoughts are a little different, please feel free to totally ignore. In the earlier post you mentioned your mother’s behavior, to me, she sounded similar to mine, a ‘martyr’ with the loads of guilt to go with it. Your posts tell me you are anything but a martyr, you own your behavior and work your way to a different behavior. As for procrastination, I struggle with the same thing. Some things I realized I just didn’t want to do them. It was a task I felt I ‘should do’ but not one that I wanted to do. I found a fascinating blog about doing the impossible. Shook me up a little to watch myself make excuse after excuse not to do something. I started looking at what was the trade off. When I started examining the trade offs, I was really surprised at some of the thoughts lurking around hiding behind procrastination. If you can get an appointment with your therapist, great. Therapists that I have had are great at stopping my hamster wheel without destroying my self esteem. I put off a project for 6 months. I realized I needed to decide if it was something I actually wanted to do. Work has some required tasks that I can’t put off so I use baby steps like I was taught by Flylady. (Flylady.org all about cleaning your house but baby steps work with other tasks too.) Sometimes with some jobs your best is not required, sometimes they just need to be done without perfection, just done.

    • Helpful thoughts to add, thank you! I do think my mom was a martyr, and I guess I was just scared for a minute that I am too, or could become one. That is not how I want to be.

      And yes, it does come down to making myself do things I don’t want to do, I lack discipline in many areas, great at starting, terrible at finishing, great at ideas, terrible at producing them. Getting better though.

      Happily, my hamster wheel of thoughts does not have me trapped this time. It seems like if I discuss those thoughts, with hubby, therapist, or just spill it all on this blog, it stops the churning. I continue the discussion to see every side of it, but not obsessing about these things now. Great progress there for me!

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