First, I’m pulling up out of a few day fatigue again. I did NOT sugar binge this time. I did get less sleep than usual, but it seems I need to double up the sleep I lost . . .
Second, still thinking of how I choose my words to my children. Why? A few thoughts here. I think part of me wants to believe that my Mom Unintentionally sent me on all those guilt trips. That it wasn’t what she said, but I perceived them. I still want to blame myself for how I felt as a child – alone, shameful, guilty, unloved, either invisible or in the way. So I keep coming back to this idea that I could say the same things to my kids now, and they would not internalize guilt. But something else is different, from how I talk to my kids and how my mom talked to me, and I don’t know exactly what yet.
Third, I’m wondering if procrastination can be a form of self-harm, and not just avoidance. I asked for a full workload, and got many projects with looming deadlines. And yet I spend my time sleeping, reading, or gaming. The dishes have piled up precariously, and the trash now has 2 bags on the floor filling up because the can is full. I an make a zillion excuses for my busy week and running around with the kids, but those 10 minute jobs I put off until they become huge monstrous jobs, I wonder if I punish myself that way. Or am I childishly trying to see what I can get away with? Will my boss accept yet another excuse and extend another deadline? Am I waiting for someone else to jump in and save me? I don’t know. Another part of the self-harm aspect would be that I scold myself while I do the soothing action, and tell myself “I should be doing —-” So it is a way of proving to myself that I am ineffective and a loser wasting my time.
Fourth, Will I ever just accept myself and stop being my own obstacle?
- Don’t Let Mommy Guilt Get You Down! Learn from It! (blogher.com)
- Goodbye Guilt – Accepting Imperfect Me (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Powerful Words – Why Did I Say That? (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Escaping guilt-driven living (daretoredream.wordpress.com)