Feeling frustrated this morning. I’m waiting for my zip and energy to return, and it is not.
It seems I get a few days of feeling good, like I can actually do what I need to do. And then I quickly flounder again, and resent those few days for showing me what I could have while I struggle through what I usually have. It is getting harder to get out of bed each morning. Once I got some kids on the bus, I went straight for the couch and immediately into level 1 sleep, where I can hear and respond to those around me, but my eyes are closed and my mind is blank and foggy.
I got a new sunlight timer for my bedside lamp to make sure my mornings are bright and that I wake at the same time. I have been going to bed at 11pm each night. (I think I’m sleeping – not remembering too many dreams) I’m eating protein with my carbs and not binging. I’m getting most of my tasks done, somehow, through this blur. I just need frequent breaks.
The only thing I can’t make myself do, that I know would help, is get on that treadmill. I have a dance class tonight though, (see how I justfy it?) and I’m afraid to use up my energy and miss my class. When I feel like this, exercise is draining, not refreshing and energizing. My cells are tired. I will enjoy my class, but will be yawning even as I sweat through the routine.
So what’s up? PMS of last week is over. Work is still a bit stressful, but I don’t feel threatened there. I did get a nasty email yesterday from a client, but I think I dealt with that effectively. Could it still be effecting me physically today? I know I have extreme stress reactions to minor events. When the email came in, I got all sweaty, shaky, nauseous. This client asked for my opinion, so I spent an hour, investigated, and wrote up a lovely report. This client did not like my findings, and began her email with “Your statement below shows a true lack of understanding”. She may as well have written “You are a dumbass”. We all know this client is difficult, even abusive, but it still hurt to be attacked after doing my best to fulfill her request.
For a few hours after that email, my mind wandered back to it, going over what I sent to her to find the flaw, and mentally writing responses varying from an equal attack to something apologetic. I am not responding to this email. I have learned from the other hurtful people in my life, and from this client’s past behavior too, that it is best to let this one go. I have done my job, and will never have her happy or grateful. She has NEVER said thank you and always responds with a hurtful comment to show she knows better than us. If she worked for our company she would have been fired. Her position is one of liaison to our sister company, and so we must deal with her from time to time.
Is this zapping my energy? Or is it the new routine, getting up earlier for school? Is it the extra hours I’ve been working? Is it the emotional strain of working on my marriage and all these discussions? Is it the constant barrage of emails from my mom and deflecting her to establish a safe boundary? Is it the worry from the cough my daughter has had for 2 days and sounded really deep this morning? Is it the worry for my older son that he continues to have emotional breakdowns daily and I fear a low level of autism? Is it that I ask myself so many questions??
OK, back to the coffee pot, a few jumping jacks, and start my work day, I have delayed as long as I can.
I will just put on my fog lights and try to work through it. Maybe a foghorn blast is needed more than the lights . . . see the ideas are flowing now 🙂
See I’m not depressed, just foggy and tired. I’m way too silly to be depressed.
- Energy & Emotions – Part III: Choosing Your Emotions (justbreatheslowdeepbreaths.com)
- Decision Fatigue (fullofship.com)
- The Real Reason Your Brain Feels Exhausted At The End Of The Day (businessinsider.com)