Too Sexy for Myself?

I had planned to write a sequential history of my perceptions and feelings about sex. I published part 1 and made it to fifth grade. It is unbelievably difficult to put those middle and high school years down on paper. Too much trauma and confusion to sort through right now.

So I am skipping ahead to a current dilemma of mine. I place very strong judgments on the women I see daily and get very angry at times at what they choose to wear. I get crazy angry at the mothers of young girls who let them wear skimpy clothing. I get super angry at those restaurants that feature busty waitresses in tiny tops. I am nauseated that an “exotic dancing” club is in the mall lot, right next to Target and Kohl’s.

I didn’t realize how deep and strong this anger was until a few days ago. I’m still trying to sort it out. I drive past a billboard for “Tilted Kilts” that advertises itself as the best looking sports pub around. Another has this busty chick holding a tray of beer “Beer has never looked so good”. I want to scream. I hate it.

OK, so no one forced those girls to work there. But it makes me so angry that they do it. It just seems so cheap. Would you like anything else, or just another look at my cleavage? I don’t understand. Anyone I know would be so uncomfortable to eat there.

And yet, I have no problem with girls wearing even less at the beach. And the girls on So You Think You can Dance sure don’t wear much, and no anger there. So I know it isn’t exactly the outfit that bothers me, I guess it is the selling point. The lack of art. They are not dancing, they are selling beer. The difference in cheap thrills, porn and fine art. I don’t know.

I discovered about a year ago, that I had lost all my own femininity. I was hiding all my curves under baggy sweats, XL tshirts, and even often wore hubby’s clothes. Nothing cute, nothing frilly, and certainly nothing flirty. I did not actively choose that, I think it just sort of happened in my efforts to be invisible. I did not want anyone looking at me. I felt like nothing, and wanted to look like nothing.

I have some prettier clothes now that I adore wearing. I pay more attention to my hair and nails. I even have more than 1 pair of shoes now, though I still wear athletic sandals most days, as comfort always comes first. I bought lipstick for the first time since college. But I noticed it is so much easier to flirt with hubby when I think I look pretty. He never said he minded the boyish cover everything clothes, but I can sure tell he enjoys the curve-flattering styles much more! Now, I still dress quite modestly, especially compared to some of my friends. I just don’t feel right showing cleavage to the whole world, that’s just for hubby. I have some tops that hint at cleavage, which to me, is much sexier than letting it all hang out.

Now here’s where it gets difficult. If I wear something sexy or naughty at home, for hubby only, that I equate with those cheap waitress outfits, or worse, with strip clubs, can I respect myself? Does hubby really respect me? I think I do. I think he does.

And I think I answered my initial question then of where this anger comes from. I have no problem with the outfits, but with the girls sharing their goodies with the general public. And for tempting good men to think less of them. To then think less of all women. I guess I think until we no longer have women willing to sell their bodies, we will always have men ready to see them as objects and vice versa.

I grew up as an object, but it was not my choice. I just wonder how those girls convince themselves it is ok. And I fear that whatever monetary gain those waitresses have, will never make up for the loss of self-respect, even if they don’t know it yet.

I wonder how much my past will guide my future. I have not yet let my daughter wear a bikini, short shorts or skirts. Now we’re not extreme, but I dress her like a little girl, not like the current trends. I would also be uncomfortable letting her be a cheerleader. Our high school has extremely short skirts, with a side slit. No idea why they do this to our girls. And Dallas cheerleaders disgust me.

So there. That’s how I feel. Not right or wrong, but personally how I feel. I hate that I think less of those girls, but I do. And if I were trying to run really fast or catch a ball, I certainly would not want a bunch of buff shirtless men strutting around screaming. How are cheerleaders exactly helpful? Oh well, enough, I just don’t understand this world and why some women put themselves in lesser roles. Or what I perceive as lesser roles – maybe I’m too judgy here.  Should I just lighten up? Am I the strange one that I feel embarrassed for these girls?

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13 thoughts on “Too Sexy for Myself?

  1. You’re not strange. It reduces women to sexual objects, and then they complain about being treated like sexual objects, which I find baffling. All I can think is, “Well, yeah. What did you expect?” I was so impressed by model Kylie Bisutti, who gave up being a Victoria Secret Angel because she felt it was inappropriate to share with millions what should only be shared with her husband.

    In the interest of being honest, I have to admit I have a crush on cover model/businessman Jimmy Thomas. Am I uncomfortable with some of the pictures and bantering on his fan page? Yep. I choose to hide certain pictures and I stay out of certain discussions. Would I bed him if I could? Only if I were married to him. I’m not sure the crush would be there if I were married.

    • I guess I wonder if they do complain about being treated as sexual objects, or get some sort of feeling of power out of it? Money can’t be the only reason you put on a demeaning outfit. Waitresses in classy restaurants make money too. So why do they choose to work in not so classy places? Is it actually fun for them?

      I did not know about the VS Angel. Good for her. My husband gets so uncomfortable when those commercials come on and I’m in the room. He shifts in his seat, looks away, looks back, might make a silly joke, or say I’d look nice in that. How are good men supposed to respond when nakedness is all around them? And even worse when those women seem to be giving permission to be ogled.

      Had to google Jimmy, and yes I understand the crush 🙂 But I agree, a crush is so much more powerful with some mystery and imagination. I think the availability of pictures on the internet to be overwhelming, and really do worry about how this generation of kids will grow up with so much online. Something else to prepare my kids for.

  2. I’m the same way. I just can’t understand women that wear these low cut shirts and allow so much cleavage to show. I am not comfortable exposing my body (except in my own backyard with my family) and even then my bikini top has full support and coverage. I work with a woman who has no problem bearing her chest and I’m the complete opposite. Save it for your husband!

    I have a girlfriend who bought her 10 year old girl a padded bikini top to wear at the beach. Come on now! Why are bathing suit manufacturer’s even allowed to make little girls tops padded? It’s so wrong!

    • The clothing options for preteens actually disgusts me. The short shorts with “juicy” stamped on the behind. What?? And yes, padded tops, low cut tops, and sexy heels. I tried to get my 9 year old some cute dress shoes, and nothing was girly in her size, already 3 inch black spike heels. Again, what?? So far she agrees with me, and I hope we don’t battle this as she ages and sees other girls showing more skin. I guess it just makes me sad that those girls think they need this sex appeal to be accepted by friends and boys. Just is not true.

  3. My ideas are similar to yours. I worked in a computer lab in the art department. I learned how to duck my head fast. I was amazed at the women that bared almost all then became angry when the guys stared. Still working on how I feel about clothes. I am buying nicer clothes but the women’s tops are either too loose on top so holding grandkids is risky or so short my less (a lot less) than thin waist is hanging out all over. Thanks for your perspective, I don’t feel so alone.

    • Yes. I also look away, out of embarrassment, and see many men do this too, the other men stare happily. I also have trouble finding cute clothes to fit my mommy body. so many tops are so tailored and do not flatter my mommy tummy, or yes, so loose they are not practical to wear. I hate shopping. Never understood the stereotypical women that love shopping. I hate wasting money, and I hate wasting time.

  4. You already identified your own pet peeve. Women agreeing to do what you see as subservient in a patriachal society.
    I agree with your comment above about pre teen wear being to saucy with their fashions and slogans. It appears Jon Benet wasn’t a good enough lesson to many.
    You dont look too judgmental from where I am sitting, you are just using common sense.

    • So glad you understand, and were able to identify the problem for me. Sometimes I worry my childhood has skewed my views and made me over-reactive and over-protective. It is good to know so many other women have wholesome values and desire respect for themselves and their children.

  5. I agree with you completely! It is crazy how hard it is to shop for my teenage girls! Everything is so skimpy. They have countless tank tops and sports bras that they wear under almost every shirt they own because otherwise way too much is showing! My latest rant? My daughter joined the volleyball team.. Wonderful right? You should see the uniforms! The shirts are skin tight and stretchy. The bottoms look like those boy short bikini bottoms. What? Oh it makes me mad – but for the first time on her life she is happy to join a sport and I’m thrilled about the exercise she is getting now. How do I fight this? I have no idea. Except that we have been informed we are doing fund-raising so the girls can get new uniforms next year. I am jumping in and being as involved as possible now so that when the time comes to choose the new uniforms I just might get a say!
    Ha. This one stuck a chord with me.
    As far as dressing sexy for your husband? Oh yes, do that and be proud! lol That is actually a situation that is appropriate!

    • I am sure that will be me as well. How do we encourage our girls to be active while not seeming like prudish over-bearing mamas? It just kills me, because the boys have those extra long shorts and baggy tops. Who chooses the uniforms for the girls and thinks it is ok? I am angry right along with you, that is not easy. Thanks so much for jumping in and making me feel it is ok to demand respect, and wish all women would do the same. And my husband thanks you for the encouragement to dress for him 😉

    • Oh good, I’m glad you agree. Keep our little girls looking like little girls! We need to teach girls to respect their bodies, and that they can get attention in other ways than showing skin.

  6. Pingback: Men CAN actually control themselves, if we expect them to | Roots to Blossom

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