Made it through a rough patch here. I want to try and describe some thoughts bumping around my sore brain, but the words are not coming as easily as I’m used to. I also have some Beatles songs stuck in there, which is odd and alarming, because I’m not really a Beatles fan and have not heard these songs recently. Just adds to the mess and distraction that I call my brain.
Anyways, had a wonderful, though difficult, heart-felt talk with Hubby. I shared with him some of my burden. I shared with him some of the many terrible thoughts that I throw at myself on a regular basis. That inner mental tape that refuses to turn off. I am getting better at figuring out which thoughts are rational, but the initial pain and shock at my own personal attack – on myself – sets off a painful cycle. Each time I must battle the question of my own worth and value on this planet, my own existence. Why must I go there? What is missing inside of me that I must go so low before coming back up again?
Now, ever since my suicide attempts, about 10 years ago, I have battled this demon inside of me. I have tried every anti-depressant out there, and gone to therapy, tried self-help, meditation, art, exercise, prayer – you name it I have tried it. Some things definitely do help, but nothing has ever removed this feeling in my core that I just don’t matter, and that the world does not need me, and that I would like to stop trying.
I am not currently suicidal, as in I have no plan to hurt to myself, no desire to leave my family. But I do have those thoughts float in. It is my constant battle to kick out those thoughts, and it is exhausting. It seems to come down to the Inner Me, that was hurt, abused, denied, and belittled as a child. Having 2 parents that repeatedly cut me down, always made me work harder for them to show a promised love that never happened. Did this lack of love from those that should have been there unconditionally, leave something missing inside of me?
I recently came across a photo of myself at age 16. My eyes were bright and strong. My smile was real. I still thought my life would be perfect one day, that if I just worked hard enough, all my dreams could come true. I did not fully realize the extent of the trauma of my life. I did not yet realize that others were raised with gentle love, support and guidance. I did not know I needed those things, and would eventually crash and burn by taking it all on my own.
My eyes in the mirror now, are not so bright. There is a sadness there that never goes away. A wisdom even. I know now that working hard can get me to my goals, but that perfection is not possible. And that monsters do exist. And that one day I must send my kids out into this monstrous world. Right now, they are safe under my wing, and don’t even know about sex, let alone rape, incest, porn. They know about death, and somewhat know that sometimes people hurt each other, even kill each other. But it is an innocent knowledge that I know one day must be burst. This makes me sad. I know it is part of growing up, but I fear that I won’t be able to support them as they need me. I’ll still be struggling with my inner demons and may be unable to help them with theirs. Or maybe not. I want to think I can continue on this path of healing and will one day be healed, be whole, but that hole in me seems to prevent that hope from really sticking.
It is confusing and exhausting. On one hand, I am told to embrace every feeling and emotion as a part of me, and let the negativity pass on through and out. On the other hand, I am told to ignore those inner feelings, because they are not real, not rational, and are lying to me. This makes it so I have to examine every feeling before accepting it. I feel like crap – should I? If I am making myself feel like crap from the inside, I need to shush the inner voice. If I feel like crap because someone trampled my feelings, then I need to feel it, accept it, and move through it. If I feel joyous, I have to do the same examination. Is this real? Am I feeling joy because a childhood need has been met, or is this a truly joyous occasion? And then I doubt myself. I didn’t really feel joy at that party, I was just playing a part, and the people didn’t really want me there, they were just being polite and hoping I don’t come next time.
How do I build up the Inner Me to avoid these traps and pitfalls and cycles of doubt, guilt and pain? How do I take pride in my accomplishments, while also allowing for healing, and not damning myself when I do nothing? How do I stop judging myself so harshly? When will I ever be good enough for me – and be able to accept that I am good enough for anyone else?