I hit my breaking point here today. As soon as I can sneak away from my preschooler, I need to have a long, good old cry.
I’ve been busting my butt all week at work, trying to be a good little girl and suck it up after what they did to me. I was feeling ok again and working effectively, even though I was named Supervisor for 2 days and then they simply revoked it without much explanation. I was feeling OK though. I was moving on.
Then they asked me to train someone to join our team. I was happy about this because we are swamped. But they gave me no guidance and no time to prepare new training modules, so I had to present outdated material. As I met this new person, I realize she is uffering extreme stress from all the recent restructuring, and is unsure why I am training her or what her role will be. She also asks why I am a trainer and not a supervisor, like we announced at our big meeting.
I was caught off guard and tried to give an answer that made sense, but since I do not have an answer that made sense, I fumbled through it and moved on. We laughed it off and said we’ve both worn many hats for the company and would adjust to the current hat too. We proceeded with training, and I thought it went very well.
Turns out she shot off a bunch of emails. I am not sure if she misunderstood me on some points, or did I actually misspeak? I got a phone call today from my supervisor, the one that was supposed to moved up and I was supposed to take her place. She was trying to find out what was said during my meeting and why I was discussing my not moving up to a supervisor role. Apparently she and upper management forgot that was publicly announced at the meeting, and never un-announced. So there are many confused people. Apparently I did not cover upper management’s butt enough, and so I get a coaching.
I am hurt, angry, and fighting the feeling to run and quit again, and also fighting feeling worthless. Deep inside I worry that they took away this promotion because of me, because they don’t like me, or because they know I’m worthless. Deep inside I fear they are plotting against me. Some of these feelings are normal, and some are escalated due to who I am and how I process things.
I am not used to failure, or demotion. I don’t understand what is going on. I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. They offer me no guidance, and then I get a reprimand for speaking out of turn. Screw them. Seriously. I hate feeling like this.
So, when rational me takes over, I am going to work on my resume and send out some applications. I don’t want to abandon them, I really don’t. But to keep my newly earned self respect and feelings of worthiness, I need to watch out for me.
OOps, published too soon. I wanted to add the bit about Hubby.
He is home today and doing some long needed yard work. I am so happy he is taking care of these things. But after my coaching phone call, I went to numb out with a video game to avoid crying and stop my mental tape that always wants me to give up living. He gives me a sideways comment “Oh, I was hoping you would help me with this yard work – it is a really big job”
He did not ask me to help. I worked my 29 hours already this week, so I was going to relax today. I was not going to cut down branches at noon when it is 87 degrees out. But he did not ask me. So why the comment? And why the instant load of guilt I feel? He added to my feeling of failure of worthlessness with that little comment. And he has no idea.
Going to go cry in the shower now, so I can move on and find something good about this day.