Everyday my husband shows me his love and support. Now that he knows what I need, he has become an expert at giving it to me. (This post was not going to be about sex, but re-reading that last sentence could be misleading) And just think, if I had never rocked the boat, just a few months ago, he’d never know how I felt and I’d still be lonely and thinking of divorce. Absolutely true, and absolutely amazing.
I keep proving that I am in fact in charge of my life, and that every time I face a fear and do what was scary, my life reaps the rewards.
So I was very clear and explained to husband the details of my love language, and what I needed to feel connected to him.
1. Surprise notes, calls, texts, letters, cards, gifts to show you were thinking of me
THEN – We had drifted apart so far in our marriage over the years that we had stopped giving gifts, calling to check on each other. We really had stopped reaching out to one another at all. 😦 I was sad and lonely. He was numb, oblivious.
NOW – I got perfume for our anniversary. I get random emails with romantic, funy, or just happy poems or pics copied from the internet, as he is not a writer himself. I get texted when he gets a break from work. I get calls to check in on me. I do these things back for him, but not as much, because they are not in his love language. I’ll explain what I do differently for him in a later post.
2. Respect my job is important to me, even though I work from home
THEN – I raised my kids with very little help, and rarely asked him for help. He was just someone else for me to take care of and I grew to resent that. I often had a baby in my arm, a toddler on my ankle, and a headset on my head while I typed 1 handed and tried to stay focused in meetings and doing my job. If I asked him to take the kids so I could work in peace, it would be a major ordeal, because he was tired from “actually working” all day. I understand this view was skewed now, but I did not then.
NOW – Hubby arranged to come home early the other day and take kids out of the house while I had my phone interview. He also pep talked me, helped me set aside my fears. He called after the interview to see how it went. He often gets the kids in bath and bed now and gives me that time every evening to regroup and focus on work.
3. Help me raise these kids
THEN – It used to be me and the kids, and him. 2 separate worlds. I did everything, every dr visit, every dentist, every school need, every talk, every timeout, every diaper change, every potty run.
NOW – He enjoys his bed time with them and reads them stories. He watches TV with them on his lap. He gives piggy-back rides and lots of hugs. He disciplines and gives them expectations. He took them out to the store with school supplies lists and did the shopping for me!!!
4. Help me take care of this house
THEN – I used to feel like hired help, not like a wife. I’d go about cleaning every disgusting thing that happens in a busy house, while no one cared to help. Garbage bins would overflow onto the floor. Spilled drinks would drip over counters. Laundry piled up in the bathroom and hallway. Bills were all handled by me alone.
NOW – Hubby has agreed to take on laundry. He gets it all to the basement.I never have to ask! He also washes it and brings it back upstairs, so I can then sort, fold, and put away. He’ll also do dishes, and make dinner fairly often. He is starting to help with assigning chores to kids, but we’re both working on that. Once a paycheck we sit down together and go over the budget together. No yelling, just reporting and planning.
5. Stop yelling at us
THEN – We used to be terrible to each other, and used words to hurt each other. I thought all he did was yell, and he thought all I did was complain. We never heard each other or what was really going on. We went on this way for nearly a decade. I would try to phrase things so he wouldn’t yell, and he tried to control it, but always yelled.
NOW – We don’t have to confront each other with issues, we are so involved with each other’s day and life that nothing needs brought up. We’re following the 3 day rule of telling each other we are upset before 3 days pass, to resolve issues quickly. I tell him how much he is appreciated, and him me. We are loving to each other, and miss each other, and can’t wait to talk each evening. We tell kids they need to wait, that mom and dad need alone time or to finish talking. He has no more pent up anger. I’m not afraid to share myself with him. We are gentle and have become the safe place to fall that spouses were intended to be.
6. Pay attention to me
THEN – Days could go by without us exchanging words or glances, and definitely not touches. Months could go by in between sex. If I started talking to him, I would either get yelled at, or ignored. His attention would return to the TV and my words left in the air. I felt like I had to beg him for affection or sex. I felt ugly, disrespected, unloved with him.
NOW – He flirts with me daily. He sends me love letters. He plans romantic evenings and arranges babysitters. He compliments me. He kisses me. Really kisses me, not just an obligatory peck. His morning goodbye kiss has me thinking of him all day long. He has taken to me to heights of pleasure and passion I never knew were possible. I feel beautiful, respected, and cherished along with loved with him.
Again – I am not this selfish, I will post the same items from his point of view soon.
- Day 10 – Gratitude Challenge (cauldronsandcupcakes.com)
- 5 Gratitude Questions to Get to Know Yourself Better (psychologytoday.com)
- Does Gratitude Matter in Marriage? (psychologytoday.com)