Major life changing decisions make me dizzy. Not choosing what to wear today, or what to make for dinner, those decisions come fairly easily.
But decisions that will change my daily life, and my family’s too, well, it seems that makes me dizzy. Because I am dizzy. Right now.
I was buzzing along nicely this morning, hosted a 2 hour training session without exploding any newbies’ brains, resolved many issues via email, and then BAM! A request for a 2nd Interview tomorrow hit my inbox. Just reading the subject had me instantly dizzy – what is that?
A few deep breaths, and I sent out a polite and professional reply while I dizzily danced in my home office/dining room. (working from home for so many years has given me many habits like this that I don’t think I could ever work in front of people again, not on a regular basis anyway, unless they enjoy watching silly faces and dances)
But now I’m wondering what is going in my mind/body, and trying to reconnect myself. I have realized I need to do this reconnecdtion process for every strong emotion I encounter, as they seem to naturally come in somewhere separate to my thoughts. A relic of childhood abuse.
So let the analysis begin. (and end, so I can get back to work)
I am feeling emotionally: fear, excitement, doubt, pride,
I am feeling physically: heart racing, head swirling, thoughts racing, eyes blurring, breathing gaspily, cold sweaty, tension in shoulders and forehead, extreme hunger (even though I just had slice of pizza)
I am thinking: Hurray for me! What if I get the job? What if I don’t get the job? Who should I tell? How can I prepare for this? Do I want this new job? What if I get the new job and flip out and lose it? (like I did 10 years ago my mental tape jabs at me – Shut Up I say)
OK, so the fear is not about doing a good job, I know I can do it, my fear is how long I can do it. I fear burn out and depression relapse.
Excitement is for learning something new, I’m a bit bored after 8 years in same position.
Doubt is related to first fear.
Pride is natural for being selected to these interviews, I think.
Some of the physical symptoms are already calming down. The initial excitement wearing off. It has also been many hours since breakfast, and I bet blood sugar was also playing into this. I often forget to eat when busy. I also had coffee and a vitamin B-complex this morning and have been stationary, not burning off energy.
There, calming down. Googled interviews and the history of the Executive Vice President I will be interviewing with. I have looked over the job description and have concrete examples of why I am the best candidate. I am ready for this. I am. I just have to convince my inner self that I am allowed to do this. That I am not stupid and worthless, that these powerful people will take me seriously. And that if I am not chosen, it simply means they feel someone else is better for the job, or that I am better in my current job. Nothing they say or do can change who I am. Other opportunities will come up.
If they offer me the job, I still have the right to change my mind. Doing this interview does not change my life yet. It is only another experience on my journey. It will either be a stepping stone on my career path, or a notch on my experience belt.
I will turn down the volume on my negative mental tape, a mix tape of my dad and my own voice feeding me lies and keeping me weak. I don’t know how to turn it off, it is always there. But I will ignore it, I am strong enough to do that. My true voice comes out in writing.
And I will get on that treadmill to release this bad energy.
- Fear is your biggest Enemy – Face it and Evolve! (responsiveuniverse.wordpress.com)
- Activate: Nailed the Interview! (the-secret-resource.com)
- The Decision Committing How To Guide (libgrl.wordpress.com)
- Why I love fear (successful-blog.com)