I have been a prisoner far too long. A prisoner of my parents’ abuse. A prisoner of my own dark thoughts. A prisoner in my own tallest tower.
Today I am celebrating my own freedom, from myself, from the lonely tower.
I am celebrating because I am a strong woman, and I’m allowed to be a strong woman in this country.
I am celebrating because I am making healthy choices for myself, and can walk around with my head held high. And can accept the smiles of my family, friends and strangers, as they see me. They actually see me.
For the first time EVER in my life, I am making long term goals. Like picturing myself as old and wrinkled (but still vivacious and gorgeous) and enjoying a life I made for myself, a life I shared with my husband, kids, and friends.
I used to be hidden away, locked in the tallest tower, protecting my heart from pain by never letting it love or hope or dream. Life was dull, dreary, and meaningless.
After many years of therapy, and healing, and some really super-duper hard work, (understatement yes, but this post is not about the hard work) I saw a glimmer of light off in the distance, and I had to get out of my walls of solitude to investigate. That glimmer, was the love my husband has had for me all these years. I never believed in it, never felt it. But the more I came to believe that I was worthy of it, the more I wanted it – no, NEEDED it.
So I climbed down my tower, slowly, step by step. Then I opened the door. I tentatively took a step outside, and the light nearly blinded me by its power, so I stayed there in the doorway for a bit, unsure if my next step would be forwards or backwards. But the next step was not up to me. My husband was there at the door, and as soon as it opened, he reached in and pulled me out. (Tears in my eyes writing this) And then he held me. Just held me there, at the edge. He knew not to pull me any further, that I needed to stay close to the tower or I would run away. (He is such a smart man, this hubby of mine) And every day we have been walking away from that tower, together, hand in hand, step by step.
Well last night, I looked behind me for the first time in months, expecting to see my tower waiting for me with the door wide open. But I did not see it. It seems that the door not only closed when I wasn’t looking, but I have come so far from that blasted lonely tower that I can not even find it any more. I can not imagine a life on my own any more. I am free now.
I have plans with friends so often now, that it no longer feels strange to say “my friends”. Of course I have friends, everyone has friends – yes well, up until a year or so ago, I did not have any at all. No one to talk to except my mom, my young kids, and emails with my boss. I barely spoke to hubby. And all those talks with my mom, well, we now know she is not a friend.
I have plans with my husband and kids, plans I look forward to. Day trips, vacations, even family movie or game nights. It is not me and them, or me and him, or just me – it is US!
I have plans for my career, to achieve a position with more hours, benefits, and add to the financial security of my family.
I have plans to fix up my house, both for me to enjoy right now, but with the goal of selling it, so we can find one that has enough space for the family that has outgrown it. This tiny house was fine for a young married couple, but is now bursting at the seams.
I have plans to show my husband I love him, and be the wife he always knew I was.
I have plans to establish healthy boundaries in all of my relationships, to respect all involved.
I have plans to nurture my children, as well as support them into becoming whatever they may have plans for.
I have plans to grow old with my husband and visit grandchildren. (more tears)
NONE of these plans include hiding. NONE of these plans include me locking myself away.
No wonder I can longer see that tower.