Internal Energy vs External Energy

Away this week on a business trip and thinking about energy.

Found out my promotion a year ago was in part due to my positive energy. I have to laugh at this a bit, but it is true, unless I am alone, I focus on being bright and positive. No one here has seen me sit and cry, no one here knows the inner turmoil and self-doubts. They see me as bright, confident, and always willing to jump in on any project. They don’t know about the downer days.

I don’t feel like I am hiding anything, or that I am showing a false me. In fact I now know that everyone goes through these downer days, some with past abuse, and some without – it is just human nature, not abuse survivor nature. This realization has been crucial to me moving forward and feeling like I belong with the rest of humanity.

Being here, away from my family, in a busy lively city, is energizing to me.

I met our new CEO, and was introduced by my manager as a “whiz”! The CEO shook my hand, nearly broke my fingers, and said she was happy to finally meet me. She was wearing a suit so expensive, I am sure it cost more than my entire wardrobe put together. She exuded power just by standing in the room. Her presence was energizing. She has great plans for our company, and looking up her Bio, I am confident she will do exactly as she plans. Big changes for us, but everyone who can be energetic and flexible will come along for a wild ride. The others will be left behind. I don’t feel badly about this, it just needs to happen.

Now I don’t know if it is unusual that our entire management team is female, but I love it. We get stuff done. Being in a room full of strong women (like myself??) is intoxicating. Yes I am one of them. I have to let myself accept that, and cherish that. I belong here.

So the pressure is on – In the next few weeks I have to complete a project, train a new team, and embark on unchartered territories in a pilot program. My manager says “Can you do x by x date? ” I just say “Yes, of course, tell me what you need and I’ll get it done”. She says, “That’s what we love about you”. And behind my external show of positivity and confidence, my mind is swirling on where I can find the info to actually do what I just said I would. It will be a challenge, and I look forward to it. Most of job is so tedious, I can’t wait to dig into something new, and I have to admit, I can’t wait for them all to say “Wow” next week. Is this a cocky attitude? Perhaps, but the past has shown this to be true.

I would love to increase my external energy, to make people feel about me what I felt about that CEO. But for now I will take “bright and positive” and try to keep my internal energy bright and positive as well. And then, truly, anything can happen. We all have such power to change the direction in our lives – we really do. I’m just not sure which direction I truly want to go, so I am letting the changes happen slowly and naturally.


5 thoughts on “Internal Energy vs External Energy

  1. Well, you know you want to go in the direction of inner power – and that’s all you really need to know. Sounds to me like a few well-chosen affirmations will go a long way for you…

  2. Love this! I’m so happy for you! I think part of it has to do with loving what you do, even the tedious parts. I have contracts in my writing that not so long ago I would never believed I could do, but now I’m looking forward to the challenge. I dread re-writes, and yet I know they make a huge difference. I think “bright and positive” is so awesome, and exudes and energy uniquely its own. Good for you!!

    • I am proud of the tedious parts, but certainly do not love them. I have to do all these mind tricks to get myself to complete them. I can only imagine how uninviting those re-writes would be.

  3. Pingback: Tough Tamales for You, Now walk the plank, or get out of the kitchen, or something | Roots to Blossom

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