Sometimes I start a post with a title, sometimes I just start writing and see what happens. Today is the second.
I am overwhelmingly happy, and I don’t know how to handle it! This is so unusual and new to me. I keep stopping to examine these foreign thoughts and feelings, like whoah, what was that – Oh, yes, I’m happy. 🙂
If I list all the reasons I am so happy, I just may make the world vomit a bit, or at least shake their heads in disbelief. How can this usually depressed, previously abused, social misfit be happy? Is she manic and doesn’t know it? Is she smoking something? Is she delusional?
Nope. She is in charge of her life and making excellent choices.
My kids have been social loners in this tiny town, due in most part to my lack of ability to chat it up with other moms, or so I thought. I had tried inviting some neighbor kids over to play or asking if mine could play over there for years now, each time with some excuse and a curt, yet polite “No”. I felt we were outsiders in this town, and partially this is true. But I should not have generalized 2 moms saying no to every mom will say no.
About a month or so ago, a different mom knocked on my door and asked if the kids could come over to ride bikes with her son. Turns out they live behind us, I can see their house through my back yard! That visit went really well, and I got to meet another mom next to her, who also has similar aged girls. The kids have either been coming here or going there now nearly every day! They all play so nicely together, and I can see the pure joy on my kid’s faces – they feel like they finally belong too! I am so happy for them.
Right now all my kids are over there splashing about in a ridiculously small wading pool with a slide shaped like an alligator. I am sitting in my AC house, and I can look out my back window and see their smiles. And I am not in charge, the other mom is watching them today. This is going to be a great summer for so many reasons, but the kids having some playmates is up there at the top.
These moms that have accepted my kids, they don’t have designer bags and shoes, don’t have expensive sunglasses or fresh mani-pedis. And they don’t need the chatting about those things. Just a quick “Hey, how are ya?” does the trick. The one mom has more tattoos than skin on her arms and chest and it’s a good thing, because every time she stops over her hair is a different color, so I need those tattoos to recognize her! And the other mom is very quiet, seems a little older than us to have such a young son, she lets the gray shine through her hair and I wonder if she knows it sparkles. I don’t judge them, and I don’t feel judged by them. I don’t need to be their best friend. I am quite happy to just take turns over the summer watching each others kids while the untethered mom can just go “ahhh” and bask in the temporary peace and quiet.
Life is still good. My marriage continues to strengthen as we closer to each other now than I ever thought possible. How long can this last? Forever, if I continue to be in charge of my life and keep putting distance between ME and the victim within that used to overpower ME. (Yes I really believe this now, not just writing it because it sounds good)