It occurred to me, that no one has ever offered me unconditional love before, and that is perhaps why it is so hard to see. As a child, I learned that open hearts get broken. I learned that affection comes with pain. I learned that gifts had strings attached. I learned that promises were meaningless. I learned that I could only rely on myself, and at times, during the dark depressions, I couldn’t even do that.
Those are a lot of lousy lessons to have under your belt when you get married as a young woman.
I have realized that I never actually trusted my husband. Yes, I married him, but never fully trusted him. I still need to work on that, but it should be so much easier when he isn’t yelling. He starts anger management tonight. I hope (please-please-please) it goes well for him and that he sticks with it so this sweet, loving man I’ve had here for a few weeks now stays and we don’t see that angry man he used to be too often.
So I was thinking, it is a bit ironic really, that I learned not to trust anyone as a way of protecting myself from pain, and yet that lack of trust is what causes me so much daily pain. I really have nothing to lose by learning to trust. If I do get hurt by someone, it would be an ‘if’ rather than the constant pain of keeping up the walls and suspicion. You can heal and recover from real hurting, but it is impossible to heal from the imagined or suspected hurting.
The walls are down. For the first time in my entire life, those walls are down (mostly-I think they could be gone completely with more time). I am scared. I feel like I am standing naked on a battlefield, but it seems the battle is over – no more attacks. But I am also feeling hopeful and excited. I’m pretty sure this is how love is supposed to feel, because it feels really ever so wonderful!
I am so grateful to finally have the ability to feel it. So grateful to have someone here to offer it to me. We’ve both been through so much, and held on this long, it would be such a sweet reward to just love each other now and raise our sweet little family.
Here is a little lesson on love I found at http://www.positivelypositive.com/2012/02/14/key-ingredients-of-love/. You can read her story there.
L is for Light.
Love indeed acts as ultimate healing light, or as an antidote to the darkness and gloom that often overwhelms and cuts off our ability to feel it for ourselves and for others. It makes us and those around us glow and grow.
O is for Openheartedness.
Love both inspires and requires openheartedness to its own super powers. To fully welcome love, we must be willing to open our hearts to its mystery and magic, without trying to rationalize, control, or hoard it.
V is for Vision.
When we focus our intention on awakening love in ourselves, and on how we move through our days, we energetically and experientially create it, and—as a bonus—attract it. We owe it to ourselves to really envision love fully infusing our bodies and filling up our lives.
E is for Expression.
In applying the spirit of love to all that we put out into the world—in our homes, our offices, with our families and friends—in other words, by expressing it, love grows exponentially, and on a profound level, ensures its own immortality.