I have been concerned that my oldest daughter also has issues with anger. She lashes out at her siblings in a frightening way. I have discussed this with other mom’s over the years, and told it was normal sibling rivalry. I no longer think this is true.
My head is so clear now, I see my purpose and accept it. I need to guide all these angry people in my life to healthier methods of dealing with stress.
My husband used to say my lack of anger is what caused my depression, that the anger turned inwards. Possibly some truth to that. So I shake my head as I consider my important jobs ahead of me now. But I can do it.
My daughter has been coming home from school visibly upset for a few days now. If anyone approaches her, she screams and rages and hides in her room, after slamming the door hard enough to wake the dead. I realized I used to be afraid of her anger. I was so stressed and on edge that I was unable to help her. Until today.
Today I did not back off and give up. I took the blanket off of her and kept asking her questions. “Did someone at school hurt your feelings?” “yes” “Did someone call you a name?” “no” “Did someone touch you in a way you did not like?” “No” “Is someone acting in a way you do not like?” “Yes” “Is it a friend or a grown-up?” “Well they used to be my friends”
Ah. Now we’re getting somewhere. After about 10 more minutes of yes-no questions, she finally relaxed and told me the whole story. A bunch of girls are not getting along at school. Not bullying, just arguments between friends that used to play nicely. She said she doesn’t know who to play with anymore as it makes person A angry if she chooses person B and she likes them both. I asked if any of the teachers know about the fighting, she said no. I asked her if she would be able to trust a teacher there to talk about this, or if she wants me to talk to a teacher. She said she would like to talk to a teacher first, because she doesn’t want those girls to get in trouble, just to be nice again.
Sigh. I know this is just the beginning. I remember way too many “mean girl” situations. I just had hoped it wouldn’t start in early elementary grades for her.
I explained to my daughter that she was feeling bad because she had a big heart and it was hurting for those girls hurting each other. I said that is how I feel when she fights with her brothers. I said it is good to have a big heart, but you have to know what to do with those hurt feelings without causing more hurt. We discussed healthy ways to feel better without yelling and hitting. And then I hugged her. A huge hug, and said I was proud of her for caring about her friends.
It also came up that she was afraid I would not be happy with her, since she has heard me stop daddy from yelling. I said I’m helping daddy with that and I can help you too. Just keep talking to me. No matter how much you yell I will always love you. (as I said that, I wished it was true for my husband and had to look away from her)
But in just a few minutes she came down for her after school snack and seemed much better, calmer, settled. I’m so happy I got to share that moment with her. I’m so pleased I didn’t just leave her to stew in her own anger alone.
- On anger (ferretrunner.wordpress.com)
- Anger Management (anewplacetostand.wordpress.com)
- I’m So ANGRY!! (mommynotfriend.wordpress.com)