Guilt is a common place for me to live. I know it well.
So today the guilt is strong, and I’m not.
Husband wants another chance. He is begging me, with tears, and with words I so want to hear and believe, but I don’t.
He is apologizing for never being there for me, and says he will be now. (But it is my fault for not speaking up sooner sine he didn’t know I was so lonely)
He is promising to learn how to control his anger. (he says he didn’t know it hurt us so much)
He is promising to listen to me. (he says he didn’t realize how distant he had become)
He is promising to love me, and show me that he loves me. (he says he can see how he neglected me)
He asked me for ways I have hurt him, so I started listing examples, he asked for concrete examples. So I gave him some random hurtful events, and he gave me a ‘practical’ reason for each one that feels like BS to me.
==During the years we had babies, we had only 1 car so he drove it to work and left me here with a stroller. Most days I did not have to go anywhere, so this was fine. I enjoyed pushing the kids around my small town, to grocery shop and to the park around the corner. I still walk most places in town even though I have a van now. The hurtful part, was that the stroller was never given a spot in ‘his’ garage. It was always pushed out in to the weather, under a small picnic shelter with no walls, so I had to brush off snow, bugs, pine needles, before heading out. He says he pushed the strollers out to prevent toxic fumes from his work getting into them. BS. Then push them back in again.
I do not accept his excuses. I do not accept his promises.
But last night he held me so tight while we cried, both of us together, both of apologizing for so many years of lies and broken promises from both of us. I feel my strength wavering. It has been nearly a week now with no yelling and all this tender communication. He is emailing me. He has never done that before, not like this, not these beautiful heart-felt words. I’m so afraid my heart won’t listen to my head, and will let him in again. Will believe he can change. Will believe I can love him.
How do I know? And how do I stay strong against the affection that I wanted all these years? Can I keep pushing him away when I desire it so badly? Why did it have to get this bad for him to express his love? I do believe he loves me. But I don’t believe he can change enough for me to love him. But do I try anyway? For the sake of marriage and kids?
- Guilt (abeautifulrainyday.wordpress.com)
- Vicious Circle : The Guilt (shivani91.wordpress.com)
- Guilt, Anger, Apologies: A True Warrior’s Perspective (theplacesthatscareyou.wordpress.com)