I can barely see through the tears, but I have to post a thank you to everyone who supported me yesterday and just let me know they were listening. Such a simple, kind act, but it means so much to me. It warms my tired heart to think there are so many people out there so full of love that they not afraid to show some to a stranger. That is a world I am happy to be a part of. It is so powerful.
I did it. I was completely honest with husband yesterday and he listened to every word. The hard work is just beginning, but now I can finally be me and stop tiptoeing around.
Although I feel relieved, I’m completely confused, and not sure his solution will work. I asked him to give me a break and go spend some time at his parents. He said No. He said he did not want his kids to think he left them. That response shocked the hell out of me, but I have huge respect for that. Our kids are still quite young.
But here is the confusing part. I looked husband right in the eye and said I did not love him, not sure I ever did, not in any romantic way. I love him for standing by me, I love him for getting me out of my abusive childhood home, I love him for working 60 hours a week to financially support us, I love him for loving me. But I don’t dream of him, fantasize about him, or even think any romantic thoughts of him at all. I have tried over the years to kindle these feelings, but the fire just won’t start.
So I said all these things to him, all these things I’ve been writing and keeping to myself. And he still wants to stay. WTF??
He said he knows he will always love me as sure as he knows the grass is green. He said it kills him to think he has been hurting me so much over the years and can’t believe he has been so ignorant. Then he said, he supported me during my deep depression, and helped the best he could, and he is asking me now to help him be a better man. He wants to go to counseling and wants me to help him see the anger triggers.
I respect these words, but I don’t trust them. I told him I don’t trust him and I can’t give him my heart to hurt. And that I will no longer support him if he is too harsh with my kids. I will no longer pretend to love him. So if he stays, he will be my room mate. My friend. No more touching, kissing and constant “I love you sweeties”
He said he wants to do this. I don’t know how this will possibly work or it is even a good idea, but I’m willing to try and see what happens. At least we’re being honest. And I still think of him as my best friend, and that is more than many marriages I think. I’ve stuck it out for so many years, what is a bit more time? But the clincher here, is that he says he won’t yell anymore. He doesn’t think his problem is that big, like an alcoholic in denial. So, I’ve agreed to let him stay if he can manage to control his temper. I fear the stress of waiting for him to blow up will be too much for both of us. There is not one part of me that thinks he can change, but he sounded so hopeful.
So I guess I have a room mate. At least for now. And when my room mate inevitably yells at me, I will no longer feel it is my fault and will instead try to help him overcome it. He is asking for my help. I feel strong enough to help. I think. I also feel this is absurd and will never work. He thinks he can change enough for me to fall in love with him. He was sure of that. I’m not so sure, and he knows it.
Above all, the best part of this, is that now he knows it. I am free to be me in my own home now.
The worst part was this morning, instead of the good-bye peck and “I love you” I have gotten each morning for the past 18 years, I got a pat on my head and he said “I hope you have a good day” with a tear in his eye. And I feel like the most terrible person in the world for crushing his. That’s why I wanted him to leave. I don’t want to see him hurting and “choose” to love him again to end the pain.
And then I don’t know if he is manipulating me with this and he is using my gentle nature against me to get me back. I am so freaking confused and can’t stop crying here.