No more denial. No more excuses. We have an unhealthy marriage. There I said it. It’s not me, it’s not him – it’s us.
I finally spoke to husband about all the inner pain and turmoil I have. That I feel lost, scared and confused with him, not loved, cherished and understood. I asked him to leave for a while so we can work on our issues separately.
He said No. No he won’t leave.
And now he’s playing the sick, wounded puppy role, attaching himself silently by my side, saying he loves me each hour. But that’s it, no other communication, he says he doesn’t know what to say. The pattern is too clear to me now. I speak up, he professes his undying love, I learn to trust him again, and then get hurt again. It won’t work this time, I can see everything way too clearly now. I have been emotionally abused in this marriage since the start. And now he’s moving on to the kids, and I just can’t let it happen anymore.
He came home early from work and just sat silently next to me while I tried to work. I just wanted to kick him. Leave me alone. The stress is killing me. Then he finally says “I’m so sorry for hurting you, I never meant to, and I guess its been going on a long time?” But I don’t think he believes it. I think he thinks I am going through some sort of phase and he just has to hold on and put up with it. But I don’t know what he thinks, because he has never ever told me.
I gave him a letter I wrote to him last year and he never opened. I also gave him a new one I had just written, then went out to fly kites with the kids. He came out with us later, no reaction at all to me. We played nice during dinner, but I avoid his eyes, too afraid I will cry right then and there, and then he retired to his chair and fell asleep. I got kids in bed, tidied up, and thought we could talk now. “Are you really sleeping or can we talk?” “I’m sleeping” he said.
I watch a few mind-numbing TV shows, then go to bed. I whisper “good-night” as I head upstairs. He jumps up and follows me. We get into bed together, which is unusual anyway, he tends to sleep downstairs. I ask if he wants to say anything, he says no, just “I love you sweetie” and rolls over and starts snoring. I debate going downstairs, but don’t want to avoid him, or have my actions taken as hostile. But I could not fall asleep for forever, laying next to him, so confused.
Who reads a letter from their wife, saying I want a separation and will not be able to trust him until he has counseling or anger management, and has nothing to say? No tears, no anger, no emotional reaction at all. Did he even read it? Is he hiding from the truth and pretending? How do I reach him? How do I get him to talk to me? It would be so easy to fall back into routine, and play nice again. But I would be on guard for the next attack, and it surely will come as soon as he thinks he has won me back again. We’ve done this so many times before, the unhealthy patterns are quite predictable now that I look back over the years with new eyes. How did I get into this? I think I know now, but more importantly, I think I know how to get out – finally. Maybe not out of the marriage, but out these patterns. But maybe out of the marriage, too soon to say.
I will not continue in this twilight zone warped world. I don’t know where I’m going, but I’m leaving the twilight zone. And although this is difficult, I know it is right, because I feel so immensely relieved. Scared and sad, but mainly relief to not pretend all is ok.
And why am I blogging this for strangers? Because I have to talk to someone that will listen and have a reaction. Any reaction. I need to be heard.
- Types of Emotional Abuse :: Jennifer Brower, Naperville, IL (jensbutterflyfiles.wordpress.com)
- The Cohabitation Effect (wherethecowsmoo.wordpress.com)
- Are You Ready For Divorce? 7 Questions To Ask Yourself (psychcentral.com)
- Positive Anger (celestealluvial.wordpress.com)
- Signs of an Unhealthy Marriage – And How to Get Counseling (webmd.com)