As someone who is new to having ANY friends, and grew up without proper social boundaries, I am having some trouble with the men in my life.
Before marriage, any attention from boys was followed by me having to approve or disapprove a date. I don’t think I had any male friends without benefits at that time. Then I got married, and completely isolated from the social world. My husband was my world.
Now, I’m coming out of hibernation and isolation, and getting a network of friends and contacts. I’m feeling pretty good about the women now, (though my learning curve is huge and I feel so awkward), but having difficulty with the men (way beyond awkward).
I am completely committed to my husband. We have our troubles, but we’re working on them. I have no mental desire to cheat on him – ever. But I keep having these emotional/physical responses when other men pay attention to me that is so entirely confusing. These other men are also married, and not doing/saying anything that other women don’t, but coming from them it triggers some sort of flirty response in me. Especially the tall/cute ones. So I think some of this is normal, but some of it isn’t, and that’s where I get all confused.
The chairmen of a parent committee I joined texts me about our projects. I get a fluttery heart when I see them. The texts are quite boring, like we need to make such and such by so and so date. So why do I get all excited by it? I do smile when the girls text me, happy to be a part of these groups, but I don’t get the excited feeling.
I wonder if the past sexual abuse has left me still thinking that I must be attractive and available to all men? Or would I have this feeling without the past abuse? Do all men/women flirt just a bit? Hmmm, I just don’t know.
There is another husband that dances with me when we go out as a group, and I don’t know if I imagine that hungry look in his eyes. I absolutely love the fun and attention, since my guy doesn’t go out and certainly does not dance. My husband knows I go out dancing, so I think it is ok, so why do I feel a bit guilty? (And why do I also enjoy feeling a bit naughty too?)
Guilt is still a huge part of me for everything, still working on that.
And then there is trust – or lack of it. I’m not sure I will ever completely trust my husband, even though he has NEVER given me a reason not to. Other than some occasional porn sites in the history. But I feel angry and jealous when he talks about his female coworkers – they see him much more than I do. I look up restaurant charges to make sure they are appropriate, not strip clubs, and not paying for more than himself. When he works late, I feel better when the calls come from the office, and nervous when they come from his cell. When he leaves his email up, I scan through the senders. I check the internet history after he is done. Sometimes. I don’t go looking for ways to check up on him, but I can’t help it when he leaves it in front of me. Am I still that insecure and think that poorly of myself? I don’t feel like I do.
He doesn’t seem to share this mistrust of me, he is fine when I go out without him. I should be happy about this, but sometimes I take it that he doesn’t care enough about me to be jealous.
I think this will all get easier, at least I hope it gets easier as I get out there more and figure it out for myself. I think some of this is normal, and some is more difficult because of my history. It is like I am a teenager right now. Finding myself and learning about relationships for the first time, but with a healthier outlook, without the shadow of abuse controlling me.
- What does love have to do with it (roots2blossom.wordpress.com)
- Are Your Partner’s Social Skills Embarrassing? (psychcentral.com)
- There are 3 types of people. Male, female and female with a PhD. (djcadchina.wordpress.com)
- What’s a Woman to Do in a Culture Gone Mad? Perhaps “Good Girls DC” has an Idea (adw.org)