Rolling with the punches when someone hurts you

I am completely unsneaky. I am what I am. I say what I mean. And I am very trusting that others are like this too, even when I have direct evidence to the contrary.

I have a sis-in-law that I invited her family to my son’s birthday party, coming soon. I thought ahead to call her to find a good time/day to make sure she and the cousins could come, weeks ago. Sent invitations based on the time she told me.

Spoke to brother-in-law last night, he had never heard about the party. So I am left to assume she wasn’t going to tell him, and was likely going to cancel with me last minute – again.This kind of crap is very hurtful and I don’t know what to do with it, other than be hurt. It felt like she reached through the phone and punched me.

This means call me! email me! even just nod at me!

It was especially hurtful since I sent invites to son’s whole class, and not a one has responded – yes or no. Not even one out of 14 invitations. I’m not friends with the parents, just a wave hi relationship with them, so I don’t call them up to see why, though I’m thinking that the day I chose based on sis-in-law’s request, Sunday, may not have been the best for my parochial small town. I’m hoping someone, anyone,  will show up from his class unannounced and surprise us, and if they don’t, that he won’t be too sad. Why can’t they RSVP? What happened to manners? Am I seriously not worth the phone call to them? Or did none of the kindergarteners safely get the invites home to the parents? I am just amazed.

I worry again that my own social issues and this darned small town attitude is hurting my kids socially. But I feel powerless to do anything except reach out to them, and hope and wait.

I also worry about being judged by several sis-in-laws (if they come) that only cousins are at the party. They both take huge pride in their kids’ popularity. My kids are well-liked, and all still in lower elementary school, so they don’t have bff’s yet. I wait for a little friend to call and ask for them, but it doesn’t happen.

It also seems my sis-in-law is reacting out of jealousy, that Grandma will be attending the party, but was unable to go to her son’s tournament game.So of course it makes sense to punish the children when upset with Grandma. Geez.

So I know my son will have a special day, and will likely be unaware of the undercurrents, but I will be aware, and holding my head above them.


9 thoughts on “Rolling with the punches when someone hurts you

  1. Call up the parents of you child’s classmates. Call up the Sis-in-law. Get all of these negative assumptions out of your head. There could be a simple explanation. I am HORRIBLE with RSVPs!!! Plus, even when I do tell my husband about parties for nieces and nephews, he ALWAYS forgets I’ve told him or he gets the dates wrong. Also, stop worrying about what others think of the popularity of your children. As long as they are popular with you. 🙂

    • call up the parents. Ha. It would be easier for me to (insert impossible event here). I have never called any of them. I don’t have their numbers. I don’t even know their names. And even if I had a list, I would just stare at it, stressing. No I don’t call the parents. Sounds so simple. Maybe one day that might happen, but not now. I’ve been isolated far too long. No one understands how alone I have been here. These birthday invites are my attempt at reaching out. My daughter’s birthday went well, lots of little girls came, but the parents just drop them off, no chatting/getting to know them. And I really don’t chat. If I’m in charge, I know how to speak. But stuff like hair/weather/sports, just forget it. I am not as worried today, just a bad moment for me.

  2. What Paula said!! It isn’t only small towns! I’m terrible about RSVPing, largely because I was never taught many of the basic manners. I’m trying to learn now, but I still struggle with it. It doesn’t excuse it, but it does explain it. I’ve gotten into the habit of trying to make special days special regardless of who shows up, because I’ve been disappointed so many times.

    • Yes, Judy, I agree with your last line. I will make the day special no matter who shows up, kiddo will never know these worries. I have been disappointed many times, especially by this 1 particular sis-in-law, she just easily says one thing and does another, repeatedly. But I treat her as if I don’t know she does that.

  3. Well this post gripped my heart.

    I hope that your little guy has an amazing day, regardless of rude people and jealous family members. 😦 My little boy doesn’t get invited to birthday parties (the autism doesn’t work well with crowds of kids and lots of sugar…) but if he did, I’d be so excited I’d probably RSVP in person with a thank you note. lol.

    Try not to worry…you’re right when you say that his day will be special and he probably won’t even notice the underlying issues.

    • Aww, see, a whole different side to this. I’d guess your son doesn’t want to be invited though? My experience teaching kids with autism is that they preferred 1 on 1 interactions and did not enjoy large noisy groups. But I bet it hurts you to think of him not fitting in. My kids are different, possibly even aspbergers on the spectrum, but I’m never sure if it is them, or how I have molded them. Always blaming myself. But I wouldn’t change them, they are so special, if odd at times. They are highly sensitive to some things and will pull away or melt down, but then other times seem like they aren’t on the same planet. And some is just kids being kids I guess. We did invite his classmate with a feeding tube and a full time helper, but I’d be amazed if he came to a wild kid’s play place, but would love it if he did. We’ll see.

      • My guy *thinks* he wants to be invited but you’re correct, the noise and activity would drive him over the edge. I think it’s awesome that you invited the little guy with the disabilities in your son’s class. I hope it made him feel connected and included 🙂 See..right there, you’re showing your son to include everyone, no matter how different they are. THAT, my friend, is a good job parenting.


  4. I second what all three have already commented … as hard as it is, it would help if you contact the parents directly, and ask your sister-in-law directly, but more than anything else, I sincerely hope your little guy’s day turns out to be a special day for him. Sorry to hear you’re having this difficult time during the planning stages of a happy occasion. Hope it turns out better than you’re expecting.

    • Party planning is extremely stressful to me. I always end up feeling hurt, or leaving someone out and hurting them or some other social gaff. Thekids always have a great time, it is just us whiny adults that suffer. Sis-in-law has a long history of not being direct, even when asked directly. She has her own anxiety issues and germophobia that drive her decisions though. I love her, but she is highly frustrating to someone with back-stab-ophobia.

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