For years I have noticed the cyclical nature of my depression, as well as the seasonal impact. When I described my experience years ago to a psychiatrist, he started treating me for manic depression or bipolar with mood stabilizers on top of antidepressants. I won’t make that mistake again. I have never felt worse in my life than when on Depakote and the myriad other things they had me try. When I got off of those meds, I had such extreme anxiety and panic attacks, and my hair started falling out – in clumps.
I have this theory, that if your body needs a medication, it gets used up and you have little or only mild side effects. But if you have the wrong medication prescribed, something you don’t need at all, it builds up or becomes toxic and all kind of bad reactions happen. Problem is, when you describe these reactions to a psychiatrist, they think it is another mental symptom to treat. So glad I got off that train, it was a nightmare for many years.
So what I have, is some sort of cycling depression, that can take hold for days or weeks, but then I am fine for days or weeks. No real pattern that I can find. I dip down lower in the winter, but I still dip down a bit in the summer. But I just go with the flow. I adjust my days as needed, and don’t get upset (try not to anyway) when I don’t accomplish my goals. I feel so much as up-down me than I ever did flat and hollow or wired or shaky or sick on any type of mood medication.
I’m writing this because I just had the best 2 weeks, and now last night I dipped down again. For 2 weeks, I think I experienced “normal”. I slept at night, I awoke rested, I could think ahead to start laundry before a meeting, I clocked more consecutive work hours than I have in years, I kept my patience with kids, I joked and played games with kids, I kept my temper in check. This was not a mania, as I did not do impulsive things, I was not out of control, I did not stay up all night. I was peaceful and happy and working towards my goals. I started the spring cleaning that never got finished 5 years ago, and never got started the past few years.
But now I am tired. So tired. Like I used up all my energy being normal. I was trying to help kiddo with homework last night, and the words made no sense. I laid down and went to that level 1 sleep, where I can hear kids, but I’m unable to wake fully up. Husband made dinner last night. I kept sleeping. I got up around 1am and ate nearly a whole bag of jelly beans. The sugar cravings are irresistible when I dip down into this depression so quickly. I got up to get kids to school today, and then went back to bed. Got up to get kid from school, and now I just want to sleep more. But I have a meeting soon, and need to shake this feeling and be me again. When I am me, they call me brilliant. When I am depressed, they call me tired, and ask if I am coming down with something? They can hear it in my voice over teleconference.
So I’ve had 2 cups of green tea, 1 cup of coffee, some almonds, walnuts and cashews, and I’m ready to prepare for the meeting. I need to make a powerpoint presentation in 30 minutes. I will do it. They will love it. But it will be crap.
And so it goes.
- Bipolar Disorder (41staid.wordpress.com)
- Link in Autism, Bipolar Disorder, and Schizophrenia (bipolarmuse.com)