My husband and I have not regularly shared a bed for 8 years. He only comes upstairs when he wants sex, and that is barely once a month. It started when I was first pregnant, and all my prop pillows took up too much room. Then when I decided co-sleeping was best for breastfeeding and postpartum depression, husband did not want to bother us or be woken up by baby. Then more babies came, and never did it occur to me that I should ask for him to help at night. He had to work in the morning and I didn’t, why should I ask him to stay up late? And after he worked all day, I could not ask him to help then, because he was tired from work. And he never offered.
Now he had surgery over a year ago, and even though we have no babies in our bed, he still sleeps downstairs, says the bed hurts him.
I learned he needed space after coming home from work, I could not bombard him with questions at the door.
I had no car those early years, we could not afford one. I had a double stroller for the bigger kids, and I would strap the infant in a baby carrier on my tummy. That is how I went to the park or to get groceries.
I learned not to bother husband. But now I know this is wrong, this is not a marriage, at least not one I want. But I don’t know how to connect with him any more. He just doesn’t understand, and I feel deep down he doesn’t want to understand. He is content to live in a world where his wife does not struggle.
For the longest time, I was just surviving each day, alone with the kids, never caring if I was happy, or what I wanted. I was focused on being a mom and that took all my energy. A series of events had woken me from that half-life I was living, and I am longing for more.
I have tried to explain to husband that I don’t feel close to him. I have tried to voice my needs for connection and intimacy. I have explained that I need more hugs, snuggling, or hell, just look at me while I talk.
So last night we start watching a movie together, him in his chair, me on the couch. I get the kids in bed and think we can have a nice evening together. I get us both some drinks and snacks. I ask if he wants to come to the couch, I’ll rub his feet? Maybe in a bit he says. We are watching a comedy, and it is getting annoying to me, I have seen it before and I’m bored. So when he turns over and appears to fall asleep, I go back to my computer. After about 20 minutes, he asks what I am doing? Blogging I say.
I head back to the couch, and assume the frustrated/depressed posture in my body that I feel in my heart. I have so much to say, but don’t know how. I am deeply saddened by his lack of concern.
He finishes watching the movie, then looks over at me and says, Aww, looks like you need a hug. That is exactly what I need. I just look at him hopefully. He puts his arms in the air and gives me an air hug from across the room, like blowing a kiss. I make some sort of WTF was that face, and he gets up off his arse and comes to couch. Where I do get a hug. And my ear nibbled. And a hand up my shirt. I want his closeness so much I don’t object at first. Until he tries going further, I have to say I am not up to this, I feel quite icky.
He asks why I feel icky, while he kisses my neck and his hands are everywhere. My head is spinning, I want him to stop, and I want to talk to him, but the kisses feel good too. This is the first cahance we have had to talk without kids for weeks. The first we have been close to intimate too. And I want it, but not like this. I hold his hands in mine, and say something about how he is never home, we never get to talk, and I feel alone and icky. Worse now because it is winter. I am struggling with depression.
He sighs. A big sigh. And says something like, well spring is only a month or 2 away. You’ll feel better then I guess. And then he goes upstairs to bed. He asks if I am coming up to bed. I debate it, but I go, still craving his attention. But in bed he turns his back to me, and I am left so alone again. Even when he is next to me.
I had my wake-up calls, and want a better life, a better me. How do I wake up husband so he can join me?
- Intimacy (tryingtofindserenity.wordpress.com)
- A lost love is lost forever (myepiclove.wordpress.com)