Today has been slow. Agonizingly slow. Slow to wake up, slow to get up, slow to move, slow to think, slow to speak.
I have not been able to work yet today, but my boss does not know this since I work from home. I do what I can , when I can, and somehow it all gets done. When they don’t hear from me, they assume I am crazy busy. Not just crazy.
I hate that I can’t share my struggle with my boss and coworkers. But I know that I can’t. Another coworker is struggling to recover from surgery to remove endometriosis. We all know the details and have taken some of her chores to lighten her load. Another coworker just returned from maternity leave and has shortened hours. Another coworker has just had shoulder surgery and can only type 1 handed, her load is reduced. We all know these facts and jump in to help out.
No one knows I can barely sleep all night, that I struggle to rub 2 thoughts together, that I sit in a foggy haze all morning, that I can’t understand the request in the email even though I read it a zillion times. I can’t share that I have depression and still have them treat me with respect. Hell, I may even lose my job. If I ever make a mistake, and I do, they wouldn’t just brush it off, they’d blame my depression.
But the good and honest part of me feels like I am lying to withhold this information. I blame the kids for keeping me up all night, that’s why I sound sleepy in the teleconference. I blame the cable outage for losing my documents. I blame my busy schedule for missing meetings, not admitting I just forgot.
They picture me as a supermom, running around like crazy, getting everything done, and squeezing in my work on top of it. They don’t know that most days I have only managed to do the work, there was nothing else.
And then they praise me. What? seriously? Yes, they think I am brilliant, creative, hard working, responsible. Well, I am all of those things, but it is hard to accept compliments when I feel like I am barely doing the minimum requirements. But, even with my struggles, I get things done that others do not. I wonder if they have hidden struggles too?
A coworker was given a project in November, checked on her progress last week, and she had not even started it and never told anyone. I was shocked. They gave the project to me – they know I will do it. I started it, but the tedium is wearing on me, and it sits untouched most days. But I presented the part I had started in the last meeting, and got oohed and ahhed. They love it. They will wait for it. I could have it all done today if I could just focus. But I can’t focus, so it takes weeks, and then I get praised for putting in so much time.
The world is messed up. I just have to shake my head in amazement. But I can play the game for now.
- “A Flicker of Light in the Darkness” of Depression (mbniceguy.wordpress.com)
- I’m fed up… (poppyposts-blog.net)
- Depressed workers cut into businesses’ bottom line (calgaryherald.com)
- Mental Health week – talking about the silent illness (woodsg.wordpress.com)