I am depressed, but I am still me

A man and a woman performing a modern dance.

Image via Wikipedia

I set the alarm for 8am. I was due at rehearsal at 10 am. It is only 20 minutes away, but I knew it would take that extra time to convince myself to get out of bed.

BEEP! BEEP!

Bugger off! Hit the snooze.

Repeat this until 9:30 am. Sit up, open curtains, see 6 new inches of snow covering my van. Lay back down. Feel guilt. My friends are expecting me. Smell coffee. Husband asks if I am going? I don’t know yet. I am going to get dressed and see what happens. I have learned not to think too far ahead, it tricks my tired brain into thinking I’m not doing much, and not to shut down. Just getting up to pee. Now I’ll brush my teeth and hair. Now I can slip on some jeans, tshirt, socks.

Coffee is ready for me in a to go cup. Sip – oh yeah, that is soooo good. Text friend – digging out of snow, running late – Grab a Kashi bar, my instruments,  and head outside. The cold air grabs me like a handshake. The snow is untouched, smooth, sparkling, beautiful.

Get response from friend – Digging out too, no worries. And I had none. I brush the snow off the windshield, feel the fine powdery flecks so cool on my cheeks. My hair is covered in snow, I see in the window, and laugh at my image. I shake off, get in van, and head to rehearsal feeling high on life – I did it! I beat depression again today!

I arrive at rehearsal, get a huge bear hug from my friend. She says she is so grateful for me coming. I look away to hide the tears. It is still very new to me to belong any where. To be wanted. Appreciated. Loved. Accepted.

We get out our instruments, start jamming, planning. It feels good. Damn good. We’re ready for the performance.

My friend had an art exhibit at the museum, her first one ever – she is 50. She has never done anything like this before and I can feel the fear, excitement, and joy in her. We were going to perform at her opening gala (she can’t believe she has a gala!) (I can’t believe I’m invited and part of a gala!) We provided live music, other friends came to dance. I am greeted by each friend with a hug and smile. While I play the music, the dancers catch my eye and wink. I smile back, reveling in that secret moment the audience did not see. The moment when musician and dancer connect in rhythm – and joy!

Yes, that is my primary feeling. Joy. Every cell in my body and brain, every wisp of my soul, is experiencing JOY! The energy in the room is amazing, and I feel nearly drunk. Then the audience applauds, and I’m taken to an even higher level. Wow. During the next song I watch the audience instead of the dancers, and I see them tapping toes, wiggling shoulders, wagging heads – and smiling. We have given them a taste of our joy.

But then the performance is over, and everyone heads over to a bar to hang out. On better days, I love this. Have a few drinks, relax, get silly, dance a bit, laugh a lot. But last night, the drink just made me tired, not relaxed. I didn’t want any more. I wasn’t hungry, and just watched as everyone else had munchies. I saw others laughing, and felt myself smiling, but I was getting so tired. Someone next to me was speaking, and I had no idea what they were saying. I could hear the sounds, but I could not make sense of it. I was too tired. I yawn and try to excuse myself, thinking no one wants my quiet, downer presence. But I get many arguments, and pushed back in my seat – I’m not allowed to leave yet they say! They want me there. I love it, and I smile, but I really just want to go, but don’t want to be rude either. I yawn a few more times, and say my goodbyes, getting hugs and thank yous. The quiet cold night is such relief after the noisy bar, and I practically run to the van. I have a tiny cry in the safety of my van, just to relieve what was building up, then drive home. Completely satisfied. For me, this was a hugely successful day.

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5 thoughts on “I am depressed, but I am still me

  1. Pingback: I don’t wanna « Courtesy of the Crown

  2. Pingback: Courtesy of the Crown

  3. In one of your other posts, you said, “I am so tired. So confused. So scatterbrained. So unorganized.”
    I have tried to pinpoint how I feel, and this is it. I also feel dumb b/c I can’t remember anything like I used to. I’m in mortuary school and have a difficult time keeping my A and B grades. So frustrating.
    Another of your quotes is this: “I have learned not to think too far ahead, it tricks my tired brain into thinking I’m not doing much, and not to shut down. Just getting up to pee. Now I’ll brush my teeth and hair. Now I can slip on some jeans, tshirt, socks.”
    ~Lea~

    • Thanks for stopping by Lea and taking time to comment. Frustrating is a common description for life now. I am learning how to accept and make every day better, but it isn’t how I want it. And studying is so difficult when the tired brain doesn’t want to. Good for you going back to school.

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