I know that you look at me, but the me inside, you never see. I appear to have it all together. But I feel as frozen as the view outside.
The battle I fight comes from within. I have to admit that depression is here again. Every winter I get stuck.
Because I need money, I need to work. I work from home so no one knows I have not changed my clothes in a few days. I make my own schedule, so no one knows it is taking me 4 hours to do a 1 hour task, and I only bill for the 1 hour.
Because I want my kids to be happy, I force myself to drive them places. I say hello to other parents, then drift back into the background to avoid annoying, strenuous conversations. No one knows I have dirty clothes, under my winter coat, or no socks in my boots.
I am actually happy. And I smile real smiles. My depression now does not make me sad or suicidal anymore like in years past. For this I am grateful. Each year gets better.
I am so tired. So confused. So scatterbrained. So unorganized.
To get one task done, takes all my energy, and I forget about the others. I wash some dishes, then take a rest. I pay a bill, then forget to sign kids homework folders. I prepare a lesson plan, and forget to wash laundry.
I have not vacuumed in weeks. Pretty sure weeks. The dust bunnies in the corners have grown fangs.
I have no idea where everyone’s clothes are. Husband is helping get clothes in the wash, but no one folds or puts it away, so every day we dig through baskets. or buy a new pack of socks.
I have the constant feeling I have forgotten something – and I usually have. It takes me 3 trips to get the little shopping list done. I can’t concentrate to cross things off, even when I have the list in front of me I still forget to go down the correct aisle.
I don’t know where my mind goes, it just isn’t present. I am not stuck in old memories, or worrying about the future. I am not sad or anxious. Just frustrated. I don’t think any thoughts are happening. Like my brain is mushy molasses, and the thoughts happen individually, trudging through the muck. Eventually they get to the right place.
I have to plan ahead to shower and take care of myself. And then somehow hours are lost in the process.
Everything takes me too long, like I am in slow motion and the world keeps going.
I wanted to avoid it this year, but it got me anyway, despite my defenses of light therapy, exercise, vitamins, talk therapy. What else can I do?
- 5 Tips for Beating Depression (brainz.org)
- Depression is no joke (whereisnazia.wordpress.com)
- Cure Winter Blues With Light Therapy (npr.org)