My mom married a psychopath, part 2

So my mom was far from home, wondering what she was doing wrong as a wife, and at age 20, my oldest brother was born. My mom was delighted and determined to be a good mom. My dad’s job kept them moving, they had 7 different houses in the first 10 years of marriage. He was often away on “business” trips. She was kept far from her family, and never stayed long enough in any town to put down roots or feel like she belonged anywhere, always the outsider.

She was made to believe they were very poor, and he often scolded her for spending money, on things like diapers and formula. Certainly she was not allowed to get things for herself or the house either. Somehow he had enough money to buy himself nice clothes, saying he needed it for work. He did not allow her to have a car, so she was home with the baby and had to walk or rely on friends to drive her to the grocery store or pediatrician.

Mom had a few more baby boys in the next several years, and loved being a mom. She was extremely excited when I was born to finally have a girl, but she was never allowed a chance to get close to me. There were no car seats back then, when I was just a baby, my older brother held me on my lap while my mom drove. One afternoon, she was rushing another brother that had fallen out of a tree to the hospital. My brother had not latched the door, and I tumbled out of the car, and got squeezed by the wheels of our car. By some miracle I was not crushed, but was very hurt. So a panic-stricken mom now drove 2 kids to the hospital. I guess she kind of lost it, crying and screaming, at the thought of what could have happened. My dad finally shows up at the hospital, very angry. But the cold quiet angry that does not yell, the kind of angry that plots revenge. He was embarrassed to the core by her public display of emotions, and for causing the hospital bills. (Mom often “snuck” us to the doctor while he was at work, and later suffered his wrath for the bills)

My brother was fine, but I needed a week or so in the hospital to heal from tires pressing against me. All I know from pieced together stories is my dad was my nightly caregiver for a while, that he basically told my mom she was unfit to care for me. I think she was so belittled and rattled with guilt, that she had no fight in her anymore. She completely believed she was the worst wife and mother ever to exist. My dad, years later,  told me that my mom hated me and had tried to kill me that day. I believed that for most of my young life.  And from as young as I can remember, he would whisper to me that mom never wanted me, and that I should only come to him. I did. I listened to my daddy. I tried to be perfect, good, quiet, and not bother anyone.

Eventually you can believe anything when it is told to you by a crafty psychopath. And that is how I was completely isolated in my own home, and had my mom stolen from me before I ever knew her, even though we lived in the same house (until the divorce – but that is another story for another day). And that is how my dad set the stage to abuse his family with no one ever knowing.  His treatment of all of us, was carefully planned, coldly calculated, like a twisted plot in a horror novel.

Advertisements

14 thoughts on “My mom married a psychopath, part 2

  1. I am so sorry that this was your childhood, no one deserves to live that way.

    So often men like your father maintain the control my moving around and not letting anyone settle and make friends. It is similar with alcoholics, you end up socialising with other alcoholics who reinforce the “normality” of this unreal world. He really must have had massively ,ow self esteem to need to keep everyone in so much awe of him.

    I am pleased you have used therapy to heal as much as you are able, what a brave thing to do.

    • I try to understand him, his motives, how he has no remorse, and I can not. Yes I think he is grandiose, thinks he is nearly god-like. Fortunately I do not need to understand him for my own healing and growth. Thank you for your kind words.

  2. I know you have and are probably trying all the things you usually do, and I read this just now and thought I’d share it with you.
    The bit that sticks out for me is this bit,
    8. Stay connected with others. Social isolation, Serani writes, is your worst enemy. She schedules plans with friends, tries to go places she truly enjoys and has resources on hand when she’s somewhere potentially uncomfortable, such as books and crossword puzzles.

    If you’re having a difficult time connecting with others, volunteer, join a support group or find like-minded people online on blogs and social media sites, she suggests. You also can ask loved ones to encourage you to socialize when you need it.

    and of course, she doesn’t mean the toxic others. I know for myself (I don’t and haven’t suffered with depression) and my husband, who has in the past, so often we went and connected with the wrong people, the people who don’t value us, or nurture us. Of course we’re used to going to these types as they feel familiar and “fit our life script”. So, connecting with the right people will help if you’re able to convince yourself you’re worth it.

    You might need to change your clothes though ;-p xx

    • You are absolutely right. I know for a fact that part of the reason I am doing better is because I joined a nonprofit group that has regular meetings and performances. In the past I could actually stay in my house for weeks on end, never seeing anyone except my kids. I arrange my days to make sure this group is a priority to me, as I feel like I belong there.

      And yes, I had a nice long bath and put on clean clothes. I used to also put on a fake smile, but now they are genuine, as I really care about these people and the projects we work on.

  3. Pingback: My Mom, so much to say about my mom | Roots to Blossom

  4. Oh my! I’ve been reading your blog all day and I had to stop and comment here – it’s amazing that my narcissistic father did the exact same thing to my mother! So creepy! He convinced her she was incompetent and convinced me she wasn’t really all that interested in me and turned me into Daddy’s little girl and his main worshipper! Crafty and planned and so evil!

    Thank you for this blog. You’ve enlightened me in many ways.

    • Sad that you can relate to my history, but happy that you found me. Thank you for the kind words, and I hope to see you again. We bloggers can learn from each others’ pasts and help strengthen each others’ futures.

  5. Pingback: The Narcissists and the Psychopath; aka My Parents | Roots to Blossom

  6. Oh my! I messed this and the first part a year ago. I started following you after these posts. I wish I had found these then. But I didn’t. I can’t imagine the horror your mother must have experienced trying to get her children into the car to have one of her boys treated and then running over her baby!! I hope you no longer believe that your mother could do such a thing in purpose? I’m sure you don’t but how do you change your entire perception of reality when it had been twisted fr so long? I hope you don’t get upset with me for saying this but your father is/was a monster. To tell a child she wasn’t wanted by her own parent!! My sociopathic x threatened to take away my unborn child when we discovered I was pregnant. He said he would never allow me to hold the baby and just tell everyone I was unfit and didn’t want or deserve the child. When those words came spewing out of his mouth, I knew I had to escape. I think the unborn child sensed the darkness in him and wanted nothing to do with him as a father and spontaneously aborted itself. A few weeks after his threat, I had an ultrasound. No heartbeat. I was releaved for myself and the baby. Does that sound harsh and selfish? It breaks my heart reading and thinking about your story. It’s exactly what I feared for my child I never had.

    • Paula, I also openly call my father a monster. The more I delve into my past, the more I see this is true. His power and cruelty over all of us is just sickening. But we are not his victims any more. I for one am taking charge and healing. The rest of my family has not come as far yet, still have that bit of denial that served us well for so long as survival. I understand your relief for your baby, I really do. I hope you are safe from your ex now. I read your book, so I know a bit of your story.

  7. This sounds like my family. I am sorry this happened to both of us and others out there. Your writing is good. Our fathers are from birth mentally incapable of developing good character. Unsavory characters, that’s what they are. I would recommend George Simon’s books–you may already have read them. He’s got some helpful videos on YouTube. My mother is still with this person and suffering though she has unfortunately resigned herself to it. I am healing myself and hope to help her more. Thank you for sharing your story. I don’t feel so alone.

    • Happy to have you along for my journey. Blogging has helped me feel connected to others that understand. Thank you for the author, I will check into that. Sorry your mother is still suffering. My family is all still suffering a bit, but also attempting to recover and heal from what my abusive father dealt out to us all.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s