Some people(my husband) have expressed the opinion that these blogs are not healthy, and only promote dwelling in the hurtful past. (Those people have been figuratively socked in the nuts and won’t say that again)
I completely disagree, and so does my therapist. There was a time, when my past was my present, and I had no future. I was stuck, unable to see a life without pain. I had no hope. But now, I live in the present, and look forward to the future. To me, these blogs are affirmations of who I am, where I was, what I survived. A testament to the strength of the human spirit.
It feels good to write, to share secrets I can not tell in mixed company. It feels good to think I am not alone in my journey, and that others, even if they keep silent, may read this and also feel not so alone.
I want to be clear though. I have already processed all of these thoughts and memories with a most amazing therapist, over many many years. The benefits of a good therapist, trained in cognitive behavior therapy, can not be said loud enough.
Some people shove the past in the past, in the closet, or sweep under the rug. Like if they don’t talk about it, it never happened. Growth and healing can not happen without the processing stage. Abuse survivors are often emotionally underdeveloped, don’t have proper coping skills for common everyday stresses, and are often highly sensitive in many ways.
I believe everyone is on a lifelong journey, just some people were nurtured and encouraged to fly when they were young, where others were tormented and encouraged to shut up. But it doesn’t mean we can’t all be the great person we want to be. It just means that some of us need to nuture ourselves, encourage ourselves to fly. Once we love ourself fully, as our parents should have done, only then can we move on and learn to fly.
I have my wings, but I have not taken off quite off. My wings are flapping, and getting warm in the sun. I am not afraid and I can see where I want to go.
It is a feeling I keep in my heart, even on the darkest days now, to show the way and to hold on.
One day I will take off, feel the wind beneath my wings, and soar to the places in my dreams.
My future is good. Because I am going to make it be good.