I don’t know what else has to happen, or will I er get over it, or will my past pain always be there, just a bit smaller each year? Life seems to pass me by. I have so many plans, hopes, goals, but the hours turn into days, then weeks, then even years, and I still seem stuck. Always returning to the pain. Or more accurately, the pain returns for me.
I have support and coping mechanisms now, it is so much milder than years past, but the bleak winter months not only slow down my body, but nearly cripples my brain. The darkness returns to the world, and seeps in to my brain and heart. I’m still happy, still me, just less so. I can get up and do things, it is not completely crippling as it had been in the past, but the fear that it *could* become that bad again is agonizing.
My children see that I sleep in too late, begging me to get up and get them breakfast. They are very small and need me. I do get up eventually. I’m often late taking kiddo to preschool, just can’t get going in the morning. But in years past I had slept completely through preschool, so I accept being a bit late as improvement.
I have projects I want to complete and they sit untouched. Household chores seem too large, and only get larger as I avoid them. A few years ago I hired a housekeeper to help me dig out from the messy house nightmare. But I don’t have much money to spare, and things have never gotten that bad again. And she started getting a bit chatty, so I stopped asking her over – I didn’t want to be her friend.
I have work emails piling up unread in my inbox, and snail mail piling up unread in my basket. I just think, “I’ll do them later when I’m not so tired”. Well fine, but I may not be not so tired until May. So I drudge along, do what I can, and somehow the kids seem ok and even happy. Bills get paid, often late, but it gets done. Decisions are excruciatingly difficult, as I am afraid to make a bad choice so I put off making any choices. How much to pay whom, which doctor to take kids to, do they need bigger shoes yet, should I punish this behavior or ignore it, should I play with them or get some work done – or take a rest.
I try not to be hard on myself, but the “Why can’t I just do this stuff?” is always on my mind, blaming me, pushing me to work harder. Some of it is good, without that I may just stop trying and give up. It is good to care and want to be better. I just need to be gentler about it.
Each year the bad days get less and less, and the good days keep getting better. I know I’m on the right track, but I get so impatient with myself – “Just get over it already!”