Love is strange. Love is blind? Love is like oxygen.
I have heard so many people, poets, songwriters speak of love. What is it?
Married 17 years, I am more confused by love than ever. I love my husband, but is that enough to have a good, strong marriage? I don’t know what I ever thought it would be like to be married, but this isn’t it.
I don’t feel cherished, I feel tolerated.
I don’t feel wanted, I feel humored.
He is a good man. I’d rather talk to him more than anyone in the world, he is my forever best friend.
I wonder if he will ever get that I am healed now, that my terrible past is in the past, that he no longer needs to protect me. I wonder if I will allow myself to let him in to my new world. I have heard of people growing apart, and I wonder if this is what it feels like.
It fills me with sadness to have these thoughts, but to deny them would not be healthy either. He is a good dad, and working on becoming a great dad. He has taken every one of my suggestions/complaints and works hard to be better. He is controlling his temper, yelling much less, tuning in and playing games with the kids, helping more with household tasks . . . So why don’t I feel any better about it all? He does what I ask and I still feel empty? And honestly, in an evil way, almost disappointed he is working so hard and being so great, because part of me pulled away from him long ago and was possibly looking for a way out. Is this self-sabotage at work, or something true and deeper. Only time will tell.
When I go out, other men look at me. My husband does not look at me. Other men want to touch me, but I say no. My husband rarely tries. I think I have trained him not to over the years. He has learned to keep himself under such control, I think not to frighten me, and let me heal from childhood sexual abuse. But does that doom me to never having passion in my life? I’m ready for it. I am finally healed and whole and ready to be alive, to feel alive.
Will he always think of me as a delicate flower? Or is he actually this unemotional and I did not notice until I was healed and ready for more? I fear the latter, that I used to enjoy his lack of depth, that he left me alone, never pressured me.
Our love has kept us together through so much heartache and pain in our young lives, I am not giving up yet. But I am sad.
I think that love and marriage is probably confusing to even the strongest, most secure of people. But then again maybe not. I left my abusive home to marry him, very young. He was my saviour, more than just my partner. I am a deeply emotional person, I am passionate, eager, energetic. I turned off these qualities while I withdrew into depression, the state in which I got married. Now he seems a bit put off by the real me that has emerged, he seemed to prefer the caterpillar, even the cocoon, and does not know this dazzling butterfly and how to love it.