My husband has not yet learned the power of words with me, or the lack of words.
He was away on a business trip for an entire week. I’m proud of him for working so hard and supporting us. Financially.
Yes, I am home all day, I chose to work remotely from home to avoid daycare costs and be here for my kids. (and to work in my jammies) But I do work here in between the chaotic life that comes with having many young kids.
“A fool may be known by six things: anger, without cause; speech, without profit; change, without progress; inquiry, without object; putting trust in a stranger, and mistaking foes for friends-Arabian Proverb”
I’m done censoring my speech to my husband to avoid his anger without cause – and instead I tell him this: I know you are tired and stressed and don’t want to talk, but I need to talk, so yell if you must, but I am not going to control my words and tone for you. I am going to speak to you like I speak to everyone else int he world and no one else thinks I am out of bounds. He instantly stopped raging and just blinked his eyes all confused at me. Then he listened. So what did I need to tell him?
I wanted to ask if he could take a break from his 12 hour days, 6 days a week. He looks very tired and not healthy, so I was getting worried. He has not had a break for a long time, and is still adjusting from the time-zone change from the trip I think.
He mistakes my concern as an attack, that I am not happy, and that he does nothing right, and shouldn’t I be happy with all the overtime he is bringing home? I have to control him? (after he gets angry, I can sometimes wait for days to bring up ANYTHING with him, for fear of the backlash)
It makes me sad that it takes such a huge effort on his part to just be decent to me,(and the kids) let alone actually treat me (and the kids) with respect and love. He felt bad for this outburst, so came back to me in about 5 minutes and tried giving me a big hug and saying he loves me. I just freeze. If he had offered the hug and affection before the yelling, I would have felt close to him. But after, it just always feels like he is just using affection as apology – not real affection. And I have enough experience with artificial affection.
“By the time the fool has learned the game, the players have dispersed - African Proverb”
So I appreciate his income, but think I could do without the overtime cash if he weren’t so tired to tune into us. I feel foolish for complaining about his hard work, and all he wants is for me to be proud of him – Something his mom still won’t do. And I think he is foolish for missing his kids growing up. Once these little ones are grown, all we have are memories, and I’m so sad that all he’ll have is pictures of my memories. And it makes me sad that all of this doesn’t seem to bother him. It is my problem. So who is the fool here?